The men I know - An honest look at Father's Day

A few days ago, I posted a couple of status updates on Facebook about Father's Day. The first one was filled with sarcasm. The second one contained my thoughts about the issues I see regarding Father's Day. Too often, I see two very different extremes and a few variations with the men I know in regard to how they interact with their children. I see the absent (but I won't tell anyone I'm not around because I know better than to do that) fathers and I see the fathers who struggle to develop a relationship with their children (because, from their mouths, the mothers make it very difficult for them to maintain a stable, consistent relationship with their kid). In between, I see the drop-in dads, the child support only fathers, the come around on special occasion dads, the in-the-trenches-with-the-kids fathers, the no-person-on-this-earth-will-stop-me-from-seeing-and-loving-my-kids father, men taking care of other people's children, and the dreaded start-another-family-over-here-and-neglect-the-ones-I-already-made fathers. There are others but you get what I mean. I hear men and women complain around this time of the year about all of this and more. I hear men and women complain about the fact that deadbeat moms exist but nobody focuses on them on Mother's Day or any other day of the year. And I hear men and women defending the men who love and cherish their children and aren't like "the average"....whatever that means.

I can't imagine what it is like to not be able to see my children whenever I get ready. I don't want to think about the idea of another woman trying to mother and raise my children because I'm not around. I don't have the <insert sarcasm> "luxury" of walking out on them and pretending that it doesn't affect them. I don't have to worry about arguing with someone and not knowing whether or not my kids will be used as a weapon formed to break me down to surrender and submit. I don't know what it's like to not worry about whether or not my children have eaten. I know they have because I made sure they did.

I think the problem that people have with Father's day is that there are too many different types of fathers to celebrate...or NOT. The illusion is that there aren't enough men who stay around. One of the issues is that they can and too often do leave. Most of the mothers I know can't "go get themselves together somewhere else" and exit parenthood like it's a college course that's too tough for them. I know too many fathers who do. I know too many men who don't have the energy or intelligence to fight for their children (in court or in principle). I know too many men who are emotionally disconnected from the seed they made. I know too many men who cower from the responsibility of actually raising their kids. I know too many people who say "my dad wasn't around growing up".

It makes me very sad because I was on both ends of that statement. I was able to say it and my kids were too. I acknowledge to strangers and friends that I'm not the best mother. I make no qualms about that. And the fact that I didn't abandon my children isn't cause for celebration. The fact that I've raised them on my own is not something I say to garner sympathy or praise. I own my relationship choices. I used to be very bitter and sad and angry that I didn't know my father and that my kids really didn't either. But there's a small part of me that feels like their absences were a blessing in disguise through the turmoil. I've worked through a lot of my feelings and encourage my kids to do the same.

So this year on Father's Day, I'm thankful that time has the capacity to heal wounds. I'm thankful that tomorrow doesn't have to look like today if I don't want it to. I'm thankful that "it's almost over". And I'm grateful to know and see men who are happy to be able to say a sincere thank you when someone wishes them a happy Father's Day.