You think you know but you have no idea

I hear the word "fraud" thrown around a lot in 12-step program meetings. People are concerned with being or behaving like a fraud. They are aware of the disconnect between their actions and their intentions. They understand how it can be confusing to people.

*disclaimer*
I have no method to the madness right now
*end disclaimer*

When I entered therapy for the first time, he asked me what my goal was. What I wanted to do was bridge the gap between who I was and who I knew I could be. I've been trying to do that ever since. The problem I see today is that who I know I can be feels like a fantasy. It feels like I'm striving for a God goal. My personality disorder doesn't leave a lot of room for me to be real. I either have to be perfect or accept that I am going to fuckitup. And that's confusing for me. *I'm losing all train of thought and connection to my intention right now* 

 LE SIGH

 I've been on a mission to reconcile my personality for a long time. The problem is, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to keep and what to throw away. I don't know when to use "this trait" instead of "that one". I don't know what I'm doing. Not all of the time and that's what bothers me. And so I come full circle with the issue again. I have to be perfect or accept that I am going to fuckitup......and I have trouble accepting the reality of both those situations. Perfection doesn't exist. And accepting that I'm going to fuckitup seems self-defeating.

O.K. so I'm going to stop typing because I feel myself confusing me even more.


Thanks for listening. Enjoy your day.

Comments

  1. Dunori8/13/2013 01:30:00 PM

    Seems like a moment you may have forgot you are still evolving?

    ReplyDelete

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