When music won't soothe the savage beast......

I'm struggling with something right now. I'm not saying that because I'm trying to rally the troops or because I'm asking for help. I really don't want any help. What I want is to be able to sit with this shit and learn how to deal with it. The problem with having problems is that I always feel like I need to DO something to solve them. The problem with having feelings is that I don't always feel obligated to feel them. I really would just like to be able to DEAL right now. I'm sure everyone struggles with finding common ground to rest on for their Self regularly. Maybe yall don't. I don't fucking know, but I know I can't be the only one. That wouldn't EVEN be my life.

I keep coming back to my choices. I keep coming back to the raw reality that there's something way down deep inside of me that has a habit of  doing broken person shit. I'm afraid of accepting it because I feel like that says something about me. But in the same breath, I afraid of NOT accepting it because you can't fix what you don't want to acknowledge. And for me, being aware is not the same as acknowledgment. The latter involves acceptance. The former does not require acceptance. I'm aware of a lot of my shit. Do I accept it? Nope.

I decided to try to listen to music to find something to connect to this morning. It's working because I got inspired to write. And it's not working because it's not distracting me enough. There's no question that I will get through this day unscathed, but I would love to be in a room all alone right now. I would love to be looking at what I'm struggling with.

I'm done.
Thanks for listening.

Comments

  1. Dunori8/13/2013 11:52:00 AM

    1 of the concepts we learned in Tantra class is called The Echo; it basically refers to when "shit happens", you are likely to get re-pissed on or near the anniversary of whatever the occurance was (unless it is some totally new shit happening). Perhaps you can check former blogs around the same date as this 1 to see if you agree/disagree. It is suggested that we keep old calendars to keep a record of anytime shit happens and right before the anniversaries of them return, we should party-hardy to help the sullenness of whatever shit happened be minimized. Hope that made sense.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Honest Assessment of My Love Life

So they say we date at our self-esteem levels. It must be at the bottom of the level. I’m laughing to myself as I type this, but I’m very serious. I’ve never dated what I consider to be a high quality man. I’m not sure I’ve ever even attracted one. I ask myself do I consider myself to be a high quality woman. Parts of me say yes and parts of me say no. The parts of me that say yes are the parts that know that I can be sweet, caring, and nurturing. The parts of me that say yes know that I am smart, ambitious, and talented. Those parts don’t attract men to me though. Not closely anyway. Those parts attract my admirers. Those parts attract the men who want to partner with me to get work done. The parts of me that I don’t consider to be high quality are the parts of me that make their way to the surface and find my partners. These men are not transparent. They are not honest. They have very questionable levels of integrity. They are not growing at the same pace that I want to grow. Are th
Read more

Beyonce, Trump, and The War on Black Unity

I don't know if I can think of a woman, black woman more specifically, who is more polarizing in 2017 than Beyonce'. She announced today that she was pregnant with twins. And like clockwork, people on the far right and others on the far left took to social media to stand (either up or down) for Beyonce and her announcement. She's been called a distraction, a queen, and a lot of things in between. I joked on social media before about putting in an application for the BeyHive when she dropped Lemonade. I'm not a hater, nor am I a stan. I sit right in the middle. I enjoy listening to and dancing to her music. I enjoy watching her perform. I'd never pay to see her live. And while I think that she's arguably the greatest performer in my children's generation, I have the benefit of having lived long enough to know other great performers. It's the first day of February. It's officially Black History Month. For some of us, it's a time to celebrate ou
Read more

What leaving Facebook showed me about myself

This will probably end up being a listicle (list/article)......because energy..... What leaving Facebook for a little under 2 weeks showed me about myself: 1. I was absolutely addicted to logging in and interacting with the toxicity on FB. I aggravated anxiety, triggered myself, and could not find the strength to turn away most days. I was annoyed with people and their thoughts, their opinions, their pity parties, their expression, and just them. But I could not find the strength to turn away most days. 2. I tricked myself into believing that I could manage the addiction (because that's what addiction looks like). I unfollowed people, muted people, unfriended people, blocked people, tried to stay on my own timeline, and tried to only go to certain people's pages. INSTEAD OF LOGGING OUT AND OFF so I am admitting to myself and to other people that my life became unmanageable. 3. I only claimed I wanted to be successful. I didn't do the things I knew I needed to do to
Read more