The family thing

I was communicating via text with one of my social media friends turned real life friend. We call each other soul sisters. I have a lot of internet sisters. I have two sisters in real life. I don't have as many internet brothers. I have two brothers in real life. I don't have any internet mamas or papas but there are some people I associate with who are older than me and I value their wisdom and insight and I respect their presence in my life.

My real family is not as connected. My real family connections are not as meaningful. I ask myself how it is that I can be vulnerable and open with virtual people and can't don't want to with my blood relatives. I ask myself how is it that I can want to meet and connect with people I meet online and build solid relationships with them, but lose the enthusiasm and desire to maintain the already established ones in my immediate family.

I'm sure I'm not alone because I'm someone who has trouble accepting family "as is". I used to want them to change. I used to want them to be somebody else or do something else. "Why can't yall be like my social media friends?" And then I ask myself, why it's so easy for me to accept my social media friends as is? I ask myself why I'm willing to help them and support them and be there for them and love them AS IS. I don't put conditions on them. I don't hold them hostage to my expectations. And I don't write them off for being human. Is it because I only have to deal with them sometimes? Is it because they're a "better" caliber of people? Is it because I'm not as nice to my family as I am to my social media friends? Is it because I'm not as supportive to my real family? Is the problem mostly NOT with me? Or is it that my family has trouble dealing with me AS IS?

I know what the answers are inside and won't dignify the ones I asked with a response right now. I just know that there's something to be learned about my capacity for unconditional love and I need to ask myself WHY is it so easy for me to do it for strangers and not as easy for me to do it with the people who share my bloodline. I love most of them from afar. I do it to protect myself and them and our relationship from additional harm and damage. That's how I manage my life with them. They say that you can't choose your family. That's true. You can choose how you deal with them. I realize that I'm not operating from my "higher" self when I deal with them. I ask myself what the benefit of being the "me" with them I am is. I assess the risks. I wish that things were different. Then I realize I can help to make them different. And THEN I realize that I'm not ready yet......mainly because I don't know what to do other than to be myself. Until today, that hasn't necessarily been enough of what's needed because we are where we are together. We're doing two different dances.

It's not just me. It's not just them. It's US. I try to use my relationship with my children as a measure of how good my relationship with my family is but then I realize that it's unfair. My children are like me.....in all my glory and not so gloriousness. We understand each other. We try to understand each other. We try to be good to one another. And even when things aren't the best, we still come back to the value of what we mean to each other.

In me deciding to sit in silence today, these are the thoughts that bubbled to the surface. I haven't blogged in a while here. Maybe I should be silent more often.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. Enjoy your day