The Evolution of Perspective

I think I've probably looked for more ways to justify my anger and meanness this weekend than I have in a very long time. I'm starting to believe that there's a "bi-polar" extreme to my niceness and anger. When I'm good to people, I am REALLY good to them. They can get pretty much anything that I have to offer with little to no hesitation on my part. When I am angry with someone, however, they would fight hard to have space to breathe in my presence. It's been bothering me that I can be so angry with a person that I couldn't care less about their well-being. It worries me that I can get so angry with a person that I would want to hurt them any way I possibly could. I don't know that I do EVERYTHING I can to avoid becoming angry in reaction to what someone does that could offend me. I know that I make choices to overlook and forgive people and exercise understanding about why people do the things that they do. And the distance between the point of

For the last couple of years or so, I willingly gave up the majority of caring I had for what people thought of me. Today, I relearned that a lot of people do not understand me, my motivation, my method, and my madness. What I didn't get before today though, while I was living my life so freely, was everyone's perception of who I was. I lived inside of my head and thoughts and perception of life and didn't realize that other people weren't as interested as seeing beyond the surface and the obviousness of who I was and wasn't. I made the mistake of thinking that people "knew" me. I made the mistake of thinking that people "understood" my why. Today I learned the reality of some people's perception of me. I'm still not sure about how I feel about it. Part of me is disturbed...because I know that people are both smart and stupid. The part of me that knows that people are both smart and stupid is fighting with the part of me that doesn'

Every now and again, I'm reminded of how delicate relationships are. I'm also usually reminded of how trying they can be also. I've been thinking about why that is the case. From my perspective and experiences, relationships can be trying because we aren't as careful as we can be and need to be with them. Multiply that with our egocentric thinking, add some selfishness, subtract a sense of community,  and you have a recipe for relationship disaster. I'm still reeling from this weekend's "relationship" experiences and the realization that I've played an all too major role in the disintegration of my close relationships. I realized that I am way more difficult to get along with than I should be. I also learned that my listening skill level is barely out of elementary school. I spent so much time in my life trying to be heard that I almost can NOT hear other people when they are talking to me. I struggle to understand. I struggle to assimilate the i

People are like mirrors. They show you who you are. They get nicked and chipped but they are still some good. But once they are completely broken, only pieces of them are useful and even those pieces can hurt you when try to pick them up to try to use them.

So while in the midst of my own personal evolution, I was forced to face certain things about myself that I chose to deny for the first 28 or so years of my life. I had to recognize that I was the author of most of the pain I experienced in my adult life and part of my teen years. I was trying to make sense of life and was trying to identify pain patterns so that I could avoid repeating them. By the time I got a grip on WHAT my life was, I was hit with another revelation. Almost nobody around me was completely happy. Some of the people who were around me were completely miserable. I listened to friends, family, and loved ones complain about their lack of consistent happiness. I participated in the complaining. I complained about my job. I complained about my relationships. I complained about where I lived. I think I even complained about the time I had to arrive at work. It was sad. Recently I was able to get quiet and had time to think about life as a human being and asked the quest

and I had a blast.....THANK YOU to those who participated www.blogtalkradio.com/ellengee

I will not be beating myself up in 2011 for who I am and who I am not. You won't be either...... and while I'm at it may I suggest that you don't beat yourself up. If you can't muster up enough strength to change who you are, deal with who you are...but don't beat yourself up. That's not cool.

Happy Monday! Cover your heart but be wise enough to know when to remove the covering!