The Evolution of Perspective

Excerpt from  Communion With God  by Neale Donald Walsch The idea that God's Will (assuming that God has one) could not be done runs counter to everything you thought you knew about God-namely, that God is all-powerful, ever-present, the Supreme Being, the Creator- but it is one that you nevertheless enthusiastically embraced. This produced the highly improbable but very powerful illusion that God can fail. God can desire something but not get it. God can wish for something but not receive it. God can need something but not have it. In short, God's Will can be thwarted. This illusion was quite a stretch, for even the limited perceptions of the human mind could spot the contradiction. Yet your species has a rich imagination and can stretch credibility to the limit with amazing ease. You have not only imagined a God with needs, you have imagined a God who can fail to have His needs met. How have you done this? Once again, through the use of projection. You have projected your

poem written by akasha (gloria) hull My great-grandmother compacted all her grief until it festered as a life sore in her side. She huddled it close changed her pus-stained rags in secret. Nobody in the family knew about her shame until they smelled the cancer which ate her breath away My grandmother never found her proper nourishment. They said she ate "too much cornmeal". Pellagra, we call it today- a deficiency disease which killed my grandmother. Little quick woman who never stopped moving until she died. My mother lives out their lives of lack and limitation old pains, old wounds, old angers, resentment, grief, fear, and shame. Her milk soured in the mouth of my baby brother. Thirty-eight years later they cut the whole breast off. Lack of self-love, love-criticism hardening her joints she still holds on. Holds on. All this they willed to me. This freighted legacy I want to cast away. I say-to myself-repeat after me: Throw out those old clothes (Let the latest and

*disclaimer: When women begin to see that quality of our perceptions, decisions, and choices regarding men need to become healthier, women will begin to see our relationships with men get healthier* When I think about relationships, my mind gets stuck. I think about how nice it is to have a companion and a friend and someone to be close to. And then I think about not seeing eye-to-eye, giving up, and frustration. I'm not sure that I've ever witnessed a healthy relationship in action. I know I've never been a part of one. I watch the people close to me participate in relationships that are unhealthy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I ask myself, "where is the love?" Over the weekend, I witnessed women accepting much less than what they deserve in relationships. I watched a friend cry for the first time because her boyfriend refuses to grow as an individual. He insists on rejecting acceptance of responsibility for his life. I wonder why she chos

I've been thinking alot lately about men and women and relationships and relating. Anyone who comes here often enough knows that I relationship-watch. About 5 years ago or so, I read a book by a woman named Robin Norwood titled Women Who Love Too Much. The book is a self-help book for women who make bad choices when picking mates to engage in relationship activities. It was one of those things that came along and changed the course of my life. It deals with relationship addiction and offers women a very precise solution to managing the addiction (because anyone who knows anything about addiction knows that they can be treated but not cured). One of the core beliefs of women who love too much is that they can take a broke man and fix him up and make him shiny and good for her. There seems to be some kind of prize or reward in her mind for fixing a broken man. Kind of reminds me of taking a scrambled Rubix cube and restoring it back to its original state. You can sit back and look a

I discovered Estelle's new song Thank You Wednesday night waiting for some food at a local sub shop. I listened carefully to the lyrics of the song to see whether or not I could relate to what she was singing. And I could. I made a mental note to myself to YouTube the song and put it in a playlist for future reference. I was reading the comment section of the video post and someone noted that Mary J. Blige would "have killed this song but Estelle did a good job" or something like that. That made me wonder why we like to do that. And by that I mean compare (and potentially replace). It caused me to think about the song and how well Estelle did (or didn't do). That seed, planted by someone who instead of accepting what is longed for what could be, is planted regularly. I'm not sure if the people who are planting the seeds are always looking for "something better". I'm not sure if they are in search of perfection. But it seems like it's a seed of

*disclaimer* SO SORRY for the vagueness of this post.... So for a while now, I've been struggling hard at accepting a certain thing in my life. When I think about the situation thoroughly, it's not answers that I'm looking for. I have the answers to any question that I have about the situation. I was asked whether or not I needed closure. Because I have the answers, I'm thinking I have closure. For me, closure would be about clarification. I don't need clarification about what happened. I was more present at the time than it appeared on the outside. So I'm baffled because I don't know what it is about this situation that I can't seem to let it go and just accept that it was what it was. I thought it was control. But it doesn't feel quite like control so much. I asked myself if I was done processing it. I know I am not. I asked myself if time will improve this. I am sure it will. Is this just a case of me failing to allow time to do what it does?

*dusts my desk* I didn't even look to see when the last time I posted here was. I was feeling a certain kind of way about myself for not writing. It's not that I've been uninspired. I most certainly have been experiencing things to write about. People around me have been going through things that could prompt me to write. "The difference in your level of success depends on the consistency of forward moving and positive action.....or lack there of ."

I remember this time 10 years ago almost like it was yesterday. I was about to turn 30. I was in the process of evaluating and reevaluating my life. I wasn't satisfied with my relationship at the time. I wasn't satisfied with my job. I wasn't satisfied with many of the choices that I'd made at that point in my life. I wasn't bad off but I definitely wasn't where I thought I needed to be. I told myself emphatically that I REFUSED to walk into my 30's with the same issues I battled with in my 20's. It's been almost 10 years to the calendar year and I can definitely see how and where I have changed. I can also see how and where I have not. 2011 is almost over. When the year begins to wind down, I start reflecting (even more) on what I accomplished, what I didn't, and what I plan to do about the coming year. I did a lot. I blogged. I facilitated Rap Sessions. I hosted a Blog Talk Radio show. I networked. I helped people. I hurt people. And I watche

One of the things I have realized about growing is that I can be so averse to it that I can get crafty in my determination to avoid it. I'm not exactly sure why that is. I know that when you reach a certain level of connection to your best self, the "reversion" seems to be worse. How can you come so far only to slip back to where you fought so hard to get away from? It doesn't make sense to me except the notion that where I was is familiar. Nevermind that it's uncomfortable. It seems like, at times, I'm much more comfortable with being uncomfortable if I can be AWARE of where I am and what I'm doing. *smh* It dawned on me about 6 or so years ago that I like to take people on as projects to avoid having to deal with my day to day living AND to avoid having to deal with my Self and my life. At first I thought it was just men. It takes a lot of talent and dedication to drama and chaos  to find broken men over and over and work hard to try to put them togeth

There's so much I want to say. There's so much I want to complain about. There's so much I want to yell and scream about. Yesterday was A DAMN DAY for me......and when I say a damn day, I don't mean it in the sense that it was JUST a damn day. I mean it in the sense that there was so much going on yesterday and I went to sleep feeling some kind of way. I woke up feeling some kind of way too. Social networking sites where people are allowed to express their opinion remind me of all the things I love and abhor in people. On the one hand, I watch people come together for the sake of unity. I see it. It's a beautiful thing to watch. On the other hand, I observe the sheer ignorance, self-righteousness, hatefulness, and treacherousness of people. *disclaimer: Whenever I talk about people in general, I do not neglect to include myself in the UP or DOWN side of human nature. end disclaimer* Everybody thinks they have it right. Everybody thinks everybody else is wrong. It

REMIXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. OK let me try this again. I think the last blog was erased because I was probably going to whine and complain way more than what was necessary to get my point across. N T WAY! We look at people, places, things, and situations through whatever experiences we've had in order to bring us to the current moment. The problem I see with that is that our glasses are either usually dirty or rose-colored. If I've been hurt before and what you say to me reminds me of that, I don't always react from the feelings of the current moment. I usually dredge up ALL of the sludge that I either tried to bury OR DIDN'T and in doing so re-experience the feelings, hurt, pain, etc of the past PLUS whatever reaction I'm experiencing based on the current situation.  I read about this in a book before and wondered HARD and LONG about what the benefit of remembering is. .....and even more so what the benefit of remembering and holding on are. Every mome

So I'm listening to Erykah Badu's Bag Lady this afternoon on the drive home and I promise you whenever I hear the song, my mind gets to churning. I start thinking about the bags that I carry around with me and how I hold them so tightly. If you asked me ten years ago, it was the brother loading and packing the backpack and I just took it and walked around with it. That's partially true in the sense that in order to carry around another person's issues, you have to AGREE TO CARRY AROUND another person's issues. Today, my experience has E.Volved from that. I learned not to take bags so quickly from them. What I haven't quite learned is to put their bags out back for pickup when they leave. I recognize that the bags are in the basement. I know that they're in the attic. One of them is in the trunk of my car. And another one is on my porch. I need to figure out exactly why I'm still keeping them around so let me try to do that RIGHT NOW. Keeping bags aroun

There's been an inordinate amount of change going on in my life recently. The changes are moving me into a direction that I'm sure will be beneficial to everything I've ever envisioned for myself recently. Over the past 6.5 years, I've consciously experienced more growth and change. I've been aware of the shifts. I watch them occur or see them more clearly and quickly after a shift occurs. I'm tuning into my intuition and trusting that while what's happening might make me feel a certain kind of way at the time, better things are coming. Instead of feeling bad about what's happening, I'm embracing it. It's amazing the experiences that you have that store up a reserve of wisdom you are able to tap into when you need it most. I need the wisdom of my past relationship experiences to sustain me right now and that's what I'm drawing on. I don't feel desperate. I don't feel needy. I feel curious but that curiosity is tamed. I learned a

You don't even up the score or win by acting like what you hate.

 Today's my Women's Rap Session and I'm feeling kind of strange and different. The feeling is uneasiness. I feel like I'm preparing myself to be disappointed tonight. I've been doing this for about two years now and still have not been able to convince myself that I should direct my happiness to the success of the events instead of looking at numbers of attendees. I do that with the radio show too. Part of the issue I have is that I know in my soul that I'm doing what I'm doing to help people. I'm bringing people together for the purpose of increase. I don't plan and never have planned to take away from anyone who comes to anything I do. My hope is that they leave with a better understanding of who they are, who other people are, and a bigger circle of friends and/or associates. Knowing people, in my opinion, is a good thing. I think the thing that I tend to conveniently forget is that people are not always as aggressive about expanding, growing, l

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I noticed myself getting into a little funk last night. I almost turned the tables on my friend and turned our outing into a fiasco. I caught myself and got quiet. I'm glad I did. I've been pretty quiet since then. My birthday has a way of inspiring me to look at myself and look at who I was and who I'm becoming. I've been wondering lately about why I'm not as connected to the level of happiness that's in front of me. I feel like I'm not as close to the people I usually surround myself with. I also know that time spent alone is never really a bad thing. It gives you time to think. I'm getting to the point where I can appreciate quiet. It's still pretty disturbing to me at times but I'm getting there. I remember what I learned from my sister about balance. I shouldn't be dependent on people to entertain me....especially if I'm running away from myself or something I need to deal with. WHO I WAS: I realize that she's gone and that

The very first time I went natural by choice was around 1994 (ish). I decided that I would grow my relaxer out and give natural hair a try. I don't remember having a plan or much knowledge about natural hair back then. Knowing what I know NOW, I didn't have a clue. The second time I cut all the relaxer out of my hair (or big chopped), I used Jam (O_O) and Queen Helene's pink gel to coil and bantu knot my hair and wore it like that until I committed to locing my hair. I wore locs for six years before I big chopped (or BC) again. Then I committed myself to growing a fro. I usually get a lot of compliments on my natural hair. I think I always have. Relaxed-haired sisters say to me that they wish that they could/would grow their hair out and get rid of the perm. They also note that they are hesitant because they either don't know what to do with their hair or they don't want to go through the awkward phases of growing their hair out. I never really transitioned so I

I normally don't get into political debates, discussions, or confrontations with people. It rarely makes sense to me to do so. People feel the way they do about politics and I really couldn't care less than I already do. DO YOU BOO BOO! I see the loyalty people have to their parties, individual politicians, and political ideologies and then I don't see it. Now if anyone knows me...or has been following this blog regularly, you know that I have this "thing" against hypocrisy. When I see it, my skin starts to crawl and I want to fight it down to the grown. (The hypocrisy...not the source of it!) So I'm scrolling through Facebook today and I see a post about some political person calling President Obama a "tarbaby". I didn't even give the actual post link a blink. I knew I wasn't gonna read it. I don't care that people call our president names. Remember sticks and stones? What blew me is the person who posted the story link was crying abou

So, I've been thinking about finding the time to write a blog...WAIT WHAT? How does that work? I've been thinking about finding the time to write a blog because I've been busy doing a whole lot of thinking and a lot more of what seems like nothing. I've moved to the place where I can say that I'm DBA Ellen Gee and building The Evolution of Perspective. I've been thinking about tactics and marketing strategies and business classes and demographics and all that jazz. And I thought about it too hard and too long and got frustrated and stopped thinking about it as much. I need help and I know it. And in the process of me needing and me knowing, I've been thinking about how I need to get focused and specifically what that takes. The one thing that always comes to mind is a schedule. AN ADHERED TO SCHEDULE. If I am to build my brand and reach the reachable masses, I definitely need to adhere to a schedule. There's a part of me that feels like I won't be su

I haven't posted in a while....not because I don't have thoughts to post but because I don't make the time to put the thoughts together in a way that makes sense so that a blog is created. I need to get back to computer art too. I don't know what's wrong with my pc but it's all but destroyed my paint.net application.....*shrugs* HAPPY TUESDAY TO YOU

I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning and heard a random story about an athlete turned reality television star. Some of the cast members on the show were being interviewed and were talking about the star's health and whether or not he would return to his chosen sports profession. Then I listened to the commentary from the radio show personalities. People really take television seriously. They take reality television seriously too. Anyone can sit on television in an interview and say whatever they please and people will take them seriously because they said it. I have learned not to do this as much as I've gotten older. That got me to thinking about the internet. On Facebook, there are these pages that are created to put people on blast. The pages can be for fathers who don't provide for their children, promiscuous women, bisexual men, beauty contests, would you sleep with this person pages, and probably anything else someone with a half of mind to c

So I think my sister introduced the song to me as a joke because of the Fifty Tyson shout out at the beginning of the song...or at least I thought she did at first but then I listened to the song twice and fell in love with it and then got nosey and needed to find the rest of the music by the artist and discovered that he/they was/were giving it away for the price of a tweet! *inhale exhale* YIPPEE KIYAY!!!! http://cocaine80s.blogspot.com/  Check him/them out!

Today's Father's Day. So far, I've gotten four Happy Father's Day wishes. I decided to not respond to them. I'm not a father. I'm a mother. No matter how much effort I put into parenting, I will NEVER be able to be a father to my children. I don't even know what that entails. I didn't have my father in my life for the first 30 years almost. And by the time he got here, I struggled to bring him into my life in an appropriate way. I've watched men be fathers to their children but it was usually from a distance. So I never really understood what it meant to "be a father". Is it the opposite of being a mother? Is it the missing pieces of being a mother? *shrugs* See, I can only relate fatherhood in terms of motherhood because motherhood was all I knew. I no longer accept when women tell their children that they are the mother and the father. I no longer believe that a woman can teach a boy how to be a man. I think we need to stop telling our

So there's some unconventional (or conventional depending on what circles you run in) wisdom that states that you are a compilation of the 5 people you associate with the most. There's also this notion that people show you who you are by exhibiting behaviors and traits that you possess but my not be entirely conscious of. *SCREAM* Here are some of the negative characteristics of the people with whom I spend THE MOST amount of time or the people who I have connected with in the last 3 - 5 years: childish inconsiderate selfish close-minded insensitive insecure angry sad ego-driven depressed lazy broke confused dishonest impatient I think I'll stop there. This is in NO WAY an attempt to shade or disrespect those close to me. What this is is  an exercise in reflection. I am the company I keep.  Now I don't know if I've drawn these people close to me or if they gravitated to me. At this point in my life, it doesn't even really matter. What matters t

I think collectively we believe that life is supposed to be about struggle and pain. We're taught very early that our Creator in human form died so that we could live. There is something very perverse and disturbing to me about the idea that God had to die so that we could experience life. *sidenote* I watched a documentary called The Business of Being Born and in it the American childbirth method was discussed. The documentary touched on how American medicine makes childbirth painful, unnecessarily comfortable, and more difficult than it needs to be. The degree to which women "suffer" to bring forth life is essentially elevated. While I will agree that a lot of women experience a LOT OF SUFFERING to bring forth life, I do not believe this is what nature intended but I won't go into that for the sake of not contradicting myself more than I already have. *end sidenote* Most of us, I believe, do not subscribe to the notion that we are worthy simply by virtue of the

I need to spend some time alone. I don't know how plausible that idea is since I have children but I'm sure I could work something out. But I realize that I need to spend some time alone. I need to think. I feel myself devolving.....again. I know that I'm stressed. I know that I'm frustrated because I'm sitting in my shortcomings and wishing that they weren't there. I know that I'm frustrated because I have an attitude with people I don't know and a more serious one with the people who are close to me. I'm not accepting life on life's terms. I'm attracting chaos into my space. I'm attracting situations that reinforce the need to be angry. This is the opposite of good. I'm at work not wanting to work. I'm running around in circles trying to move The Evolution of Perspective forward. My thoughts are jumbled and I haven't been motivated to write. I haven't been motivated to read. I haven't been motivated to find new mus

I've been talking to people about relationships for a little under 4 years now. I've been making it a Perspectives Rap Session discussion topic since last year (I believe). In that time, I've held some pretty dysfunctional romantic connections. One of them hurt me in a way that I don't believe I've ever experienced before. For the first time I could remember, my presence in someone's life was way more of a problem than a benefit (before, during, AND after that is). And that problem spilled over into so many other aspects of my life and his. That's the nature of addiction though. I remember being "in" the connection and thinking about my level of hypocrisy. How was it that I'm having open, honest discussions about quality in relationships when I'm knee-deep in some bullshit? I knew I had to get out of it. He did too. And we did. It was ugly and it changed my life but I'm glad it's over. The last connection wasn't as bad emotio

While I appreciate you all for reading this, please note that this post is for ME even though it's about YOU....I need to hammer a nail into a coffin so excuse me while I get my bang on..... Once you know what you want...and more importantly what you need, when you look at your current situation and see that it's neither of the two, how long does it take for you to make a clean break and move forward? I feel like I'm losing my mojo. I've had so many conversations today that were about relationships and relating and my head is spinning. I'm doing a show about healthy relationships and did one already about intimate relationship abuse. Nobody wants to admit that their relationship is unhealthy and nobody minus ten wants to admit that he/she is being abused in a relationship. People are always talking about how we're jumping ship in our relationships...about how nobody is in it for the long haul. I definitely call bullshit on that statement because those people

So apparently, up until recently I had an incomplete definition of what it means to have a friend. And according to my most recent experiences, I had even less of a clue than what I originally thought of what it means to be a friend. While I haven't processed my thoughts completely, something inside of me feels like I'm operating off of a 1979-1980ish definition of friendship. (I was born in the 70's btw). I thought I was doing some slick growing up type stuff by disconnecting myself from people, places, and things that no longer served "the new and improved" me. I thought I was helping myself out by "not taking any crap" off the people who had known me long enough to know better. I thought that was a great part of my E.Volution. Nobody was off limits except my children. Anybody could get the ax. I bragged to people about it and shunned people who weren't able to do it. How dare you allow people to occupy space in your world when they clearly haven

I read a book before about manifesting health through healthy thoughts. Oh how I wish I would completely buy into the idea that my thoughts control my health. I already understand that they guide my circumstances. I don't know why I won't the control freak in me won't sign on with this so I can "deal" with certain health issues. *le sigh* I'm thinking about the success-failure ratio to most of the things I have been doing since the inception of The E.Volution movement. I think that so far, my success has been consistent. I've watched the ebb and flow of it. I understand that I do NOT want to be an overnight success. I would like for my success to build consistently and gradually over the course of time so that the foundation for my success is stable. I keep saying that to myself. I don't want "flash in the pan" popularity. I don't want all eyes on me. People are fickle anyway. I have to ask what I want. I know one of the ultimate goals

There are people out there who want to help save the world who have yet to master a sink full of dirty dishes. Others want to save the children and feed the poor, yet they cannot seem to conquer the dust bunnies beneath their beds and in the bottoms of their closets. Yes, some of us want to fix all that is wrong with the world, but we cannot seem to fix our broken hearts or our shattered minds. We don't recognize that we cannot give what we do not have. Until we clean up the small places in our own lives, we will experience difficulty doing what the world so desperately needs done. ~Iyanla Vanzant~ *disclaimer* I usually refrain from naming people in quotes because in this day and time of the almighty internet any name can be attached to any quote. I've seen it done. I am NOT saying Iyanla said or wrote this but I'm not saying she didn't either.

I'm stuck in the middle of a place trying to get closer to the end than the middle. I'm sitting two steps away from the point of no return and would like to move this boulder I strategically placed here some time ago out of my damn way. I remember when I really realized what self-pity was. I remember feeling absolutely relieved and dumb at the same time. I was setting myself up for a pity party? Was I really buying decorations and sending out invitations and blowing up balloons and everything? Did I really buy a special dress just for the occasion? The thing about epiphanies is that you can't unknow what you know after you know what you know. I can't act like I'm unaware that I brought these situations into my life. I can no longer pretend that I'm ignorant to the root of the issue. When thinking about LIFE and LIVING and DRAMA, the idea of a pity party makes so much sense and no sense at the same time. Why do I need drama in order to feel alive? (Even if it

"Use your faults. Use your defects and then you will be a star"    Grace Jones ~ Slave to The Rhythm

Here's another rendition of a shot of Ms. Hill. Green was calling and it delivered!

I re-did this picture of Lauryn Hill performing using Paint.net. The fro, the mic, the energy, and Ms. Hill all came together in a magnificent way. Put some red on it and it's certified FIRE. Art is Life!

I've noticed that you can tell alot about a person by the way that he/she drives. Driving is about freedom and control and people exhibit some of their most subtle character traits while driving. At times, they exhibit their most obvious. Take me for example, I got my very first car in 2006. I drove it off the lot with a learner's permit. I followed my dad back to my house because that was the only way I was going to get the car home. I remember being nervous but not necessarily scared...or as scared. I made it home in one piece and was happy to have a new form of freedom and control. I soon learned about myself that I drive very fast. Others saw that in me too. People warned me to slow down before I got into an accident...or worse. I heard them but I didn't take heed. I needed to get where I was going and didn't appreciate people being in my way while I was trying to get there. I drove quickly and aggressively. I was at times oblivious to what was going on around me ou

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ellengee/2011/03/10/the-evolution-of-perspective

If I took all the good qualities from the frogs that I've kissed in my day, I think I could put together a wonderful collage and end up with my Prince Charming. *No disrespect to the frogs* With each kiss, I found myself moving closer and closer to my ideal, but it seemed like there was always something that was missing. Either he possessed the charm, but lacked knowledge. Or he possessed knowledge, but lacked emotional intelligence. If he was emotionally intelligent, he didn't look like my prince. If he looked like my prince, he lacked the mentality of him. It takes a lot of talent to find men over and over who come close to what I was looking for in a mate. It takes a lot more talent to to try to build with them. Or is that foolishness? Tomato, to MAH toe!!! Thinking about my most recent experiences, I've come to realize AGAIN that there is something strange working in this subconscious mind of mine that compels me make choices that lead to suffering. All these men have b

I think I've probably looked for more ways to justify my anger and meanness this weekend than I have in a very long time. I'm starting to believe that there's a "bi-polar" extreme to my niceness and anger. When I'm good to people, I am REALLY good to them. They can get pretty much anything that I have to offer with little to no hesitation on my part. When I am angry with someone, however, they would fight hard to have space to breathe in my presence. It's been bothering me that I can be so angry with a person that I couldn't care less about their well-being. It worries me that I can get so angry with a person that I would want to hurt them any way I possibly could. I don't know that I do EVERYTHING I can to avoid becoming angry in reaction to what someone does that could offend me. I know that I make choices to overlook and forgive people and exercise understanding about why people do the things that they do. And the distance between the point of

For the last couple of years or so, I willingly gave up the majority of caring I had for what people thought of me. Today, I relearned that a lot of people do not understand me, my motivation, my method, and my madness. What I didn't get before today though, while I was living my life so freely, was everyone's perception of who I was. I lived inside of my head and thoughts and perception of life and didn't realize that other people weren't as interested as seeing beyond the surface and the obviousness of who I was and wasn't. I made the mistake of thinking that people "knew" me. I made the mistake of thinking that people "understood" my why. Today I learned the reality of some people's perception of me. I'm still not sure about how I feel about it. Part of me is disturbed...because I know that people are both smart and stupid. The part of me that knows that people are both smart and stupid is fighting with the part of me that doesn'