Friggin mirror

So there's some unconventional (or conventional depending on what circles you run in) wisdom that states that you are a compilation of the 5 people you associate with the most. There's also this notion that people show you who you are by exhibiting behaviors and traits that you possess but my not be entirely conscious of. *SCREAM*

Here are some of the negative characteristics of the people with whom I spend THE MOST amount of time or the people who I have connected with in the last 3 - 5 years:
  • childish
  • inconsiderate
  • selfish
  • close-minded
  • insensitive
  • insecure
  • angry
  • sad
  • ego-driven
  • depressed
  • lazy
  • broke
  • confused
  • dishonest
  • impatient
I think I'll stop there. This is in NO WAY an attempt to shade or disrespect those close to me. What this is is  an exercise in reflection. I am the company I keep.  Now I don't know if I've drawn these people close to me or if they gravitated to me. At this point in my life, it doesn't even really matter. What matters to me is the feeling I get when I'm reminded about ALL of who I am. I try hard not to get mad at people when they display the very characteristics I have that I abhor in myself. I'm still practicing but usually when I see it in them, within a reasonable amount of time I say to myself, "Ellen, that's sitting IN YOU and that's why you're so bothered by it." Then I get quiet. Then I get angry. But not at them. At myself. While I'm not striving for character perfection, I do realize that A LOT of these characteristics need to GO. If it's SO unattractive in another person to me, I can only IMAGINE what I must look like to other people when I display these traits. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's there. And I refuse to consciously be a hypocrite. I REFUSE.  So now what?

Makeup is used to cover flaws. What's used to get rid of them? The obvious answer, for me, is LOVE. But I'm only beginning to understand what it means to "love the Self". *le sigh* Loving the self, in my mind, meant accentuating vanity. Making sure I cared for my physical self. It took some time to occur to me that love involves ALL of my SELVES: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, physiological........and the task is intimidating to say the least. A lot of people can't or won't admit that they don't "love themselves". It's uncool to do so. You look like a terrible person when you say it out loud. So people just know it to themselves. I don't care about looking uncool and couldn't care less if someone thought I was ANYTHING because I can AND WILL say that I don't love myself enough. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are, how can you accept all of you? Why should I front for people who are in the EXACT same boat as me? *smh*

Again, if you get offended or recognize yourself in these words and CHOOSE to be angry with me because you felt like I shaded you in some way (AFTER I SAID THAT THIS WAS ABOUT ME AND NOT ABOUT YOU) go chew on a brick and swallow some paint thinner. Miss me with the ego-trippin. I do that enough for myself. This is about ME. Get yourself together....while I do the same....with love!

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