RELEASE YOUR "SELF"

 Today's my Women's Rap Session and I'm feeling kind of strange and different. The feeling is uneasiness. I feel like I'm preparing myself to be disappointed tonight. I've been doing this for about two years now and still have not been able to convince myself that I should direct my happiness to the success of the events instead of looking at numbers of attendees. I do that with the radio show too. Part of the issue I have is that I know in my soul that I'm doing what I'm doing to help people. I'm bringing people together for the purpose of increase. I don't plan and never have planned to take away from anyone who comes to anything I do. My hope is that they leave with a better understanding of who they are, who other people are, and a bigger circle of friends and/or associates. Knowing people, in my opinion, is a good thing.

I think the thing that I tend to conveniently forget is that people are not always as aggressive about expanding, growing, learning, and moving forward as I assume they are. This gives me a reason and an excuse to feel down when my numbers don't reflect what I want them to. Another part of it is control. I realize that I'm trying to control and manipulate people's happiness and growth. If my intentions weren't good, I would feel horrible about that. For right now, I just feel a little bad. I really just want to see people happy and growing. I think it's my inability to respect a person's place on their current path that's causing problems too. It's my responsibility (because I chose it) to provide people with the opportunity for growth. After that, my responsibility ends. If they need help, I give them whatever help I can. But my responsibility is very limited. I'm accepting that as I type this. And I'm beginning to feel lighter. I'm actually feeling a lot better. I think I needed to get that truth off my chest.

I think I spend so much of my time focusing on what is not and playing the devil's advocate that I'm completely out of touch with the good part of situations like this until it's too late. I can't be happy for people when I need to be. I don't spend nearly as much time as I need to in my happy place. It's not that I don't know how to get there. That "something" that we all have in us that likes to complain and be miserable and unhappy is pervasive. *SMH* I refuse to let that win today on purpose!

There may be a part II to this blog. For now though, I thank you for listening.

Comments

  1. Mediationdiva and the Geek Suad8/20/2011 10:21:00 PM

    thank you soooo much for sharing this. i love your honesty about where u are. i love the mirror u just held up to ur ego...and then u called it exactly what it was. i'm inspired how i could felt u getting free as u faced ur own good shit and ur own bullshit. i got free with you.

    yes, keep doing what you choose. yes, notice that trying to control ppl disturbs ur peace. offer us the opportunity. we will either pay attention from the sidelines or we'll jump in the front row. or maybe we'll ignore it for years, and come in all late. but remember it's never too late for truth. it has no time limit. it'll still be truth. it won't rot. the fact that you offer space for us to dialogue means that even if we don't come, we're touched in our lives by ppl who did. we thank u. u touch many lives that you'll never meet. even if you only touched one...u have touched the world, and done everything.

    *muah* keep loving you

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