An Honest Assessment of My Love Life

So they say we date at our self-esteem levels. It must be at the bottom of the level. I’m laughing to myself as I type this, but I’m very serious. I’ve never dated what I consider to be a high quality man. I’m not sure I’ve ever even attracted one. I ask myself do I consider myself to be a high quality woman. Parts of me say yes and parts of me say no. The parts of me that say yes are the parts that know that I can be sweet, caring, and nurturing. The parts of me that say yes know that I am smart, ambitious, and talented. Those parts don’t attract men to me though. Not closely anyway. Those parts attract my admirers. Those parts attract the men who want to partner with me to get work done. The parts of me that I don’t consider to be high quality are the parts of me that make their way to the surface and find my partners. These men are not transparent. They are not honest. They have very questionable levels of integrity. They are not growing at the same pace that I want to grow. Are they reflecting my past or my present? Maybe both. They do not reflect my future nor do they reflect my desires.

When I’ve ended my relationships (or when he ended them or we just drifted away from one another), I have very rarely yearned for the whole man that I split from. I usually missed parts of him. More often than not though, I am glad to be rid of him. The parts of him that I miss are the parts that made me believe he was better than he actually was. The parts of him that I was happy to be rid of were the parts that had me questioning my choices. How is it that I ended up with someone that I didn’t really like? How do I manage to continue to do that? And more importantly why?

I see men who seem to have it together way more than the men I usually date. I don’t try to connect with them though. I imagine that I’m too rough around the edges for them. I imagine that I’m not refined enough for them. And it could very well be all in my imagination. But the fact that I think that is the wall that stands between them and me. The fact that I choose to date men who don’t have much going for them speaks volumes about what I feel like I deserve. I’m just attracted to them. They make me laugh. But they also hurt me as well. They lie. They use me. They cheat. And I show up for them. Time and time again, I show up for them. Over and over again, I show up for them.  I won’t ignore them. I won’t dismiss them. So I ask myself the question, where is my self-esteem on the scale of high and low? I very rarely feel good about the relationships that I get into. I very rarely feel proud to claim the man I connect with. I’m usually relieved when I finally let go. This is a special kind of madness.