Processing the evolution of my perspective re: SUPPORT

I had an interesting exchange with a woman recently. We only know each other through social media and were connected based on some community work that we doing. She said something to me during an exchange that gave me pause. She spoke about how she supported the work that I was doing in the past and was looking to support the work that I'm currently doing.

I'm going to unpack the feelings that I've had and currently have about what support is and looks like. Back when I first started my radio show on the Blog Talk Radio show platform, the people who listened to my show were mostly people who already knew me. They were friends (real life or social media) and family (blood relatives and play cousins) and strangers who happened upon the links. At the time, I didn't understand advertising or marketing much. I assumed what a lot of other people assumed about support as well. "If you bang with me like that, you'll listen to my show and tell other people to listen to it too!" I also assumed what a lot of other people assume about support as well. "If you DON'T listen to my show, you OBVIOUSLY don't bang with me like you say you do!"

FAST FORWARD TO 2016.

One thing I learned is that there will be people who support you in the beginning because they want to see you succeed. They don't necessarily "like" what it is that you're doing, but they want to be supportive because they want you to be successful.

What I also learned is that people will feel obligated to support you. They support out of guilt or obligation. They don't want to NOT support you. After all, you're friends. And friends support friends right?

Another thing I learned is that there will be people who like what you're doing but won't support you because they haven't reconciled the places where they've failed to pursue their own greatness.

ANOTHER thing I've learned is that people will support you with an expectation that they receive something in return. That something might look like support in return. It might look like you showing gratitude for their support.

I asked myself the question "what does it mean that a person will bring up the fact that they've supported you" when in the throws of an exchange that could go right or left? It can mean a couple of things. It can be reminder that they've been there for you. It can be an expression of indignation.


in·dig·na·tion
ˌindiɡˈnāSH(ə)n/
noun
1.    anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment.


I find myself struggling to strike a balance between gratitude and obligation when someone supports me. Here are my real time thoughts:

"You're here by choice. You want to be here. I have something you wanted (either to have or to experience) and you showed up for it."

"I appreciate your support and the expression of indignation is confusing to me because while I understand that if you are or feel insulted, you get to decide what you do with your support, I also understand that it "feels" like you are hanging the fact that you supported me over my head."

The second statement is the one that I'm having the most trouble with. Admittedly, I have issues with obligation anyway. I only prefer it on my terms. I will accept it begrudgingly when it's not on my terms. I also resist it when it just feels wrong. And "feeling" like someone is hanging their support over my head feels wrong. I haven't figured out what that's about yet.

If I respond to or interact with a supporter based on their personality and our interaction doesn't go well, I'm not interested in hearing how much they've supported me. If we don't like one another on a personal level, I'm not interested in hearing how much you've supported me.

I understand that for some, especially in 2018, we have to know you, like you, and trust you to support you. I respect the importance of that. I also respect that people can and will pull their support if any of those elements are missing or have changed. I'm perfectly fine with that. After all, support is an individual prerogative.

I've since learned that personal politics will obliterate connections (personal and/or professional) and make them way more fragile than they used to be. I accept that.

All of this IS making me consider the places where my own negativity may be impacting my relationships as well. My process is still evolving.

Enjoy your day


#EvolveThenEmerge


Comments

  1. josieB3/19/2018 11:57:00 AM

    I've been thinking about this too, because of some recent personal events. I feel wary of the whole concept of "support" because it can be like, "Get in there & fight! I'll hold your coat!" I think it also can be held as a rebuke-- "I supported you and now you . . . ?" If we show support by showing up, rather than declaring it, it's usually more reliable. It's also my experience that the people closest to you are not always going to show support exactly when, where, and how you need it, because of the complexities of the relationship, but that their continued presence in your life is a powerful form of "support" nonetheless. In fact, it's often strangers and acquaintances who can --and do -- offer the kind of pure, unalloyed support that you might need in a moment of fear or vulnerability. It feels pure because it is relatively uncomplicated by personal history. If we pour more of that into each other, without the expectations that come from closeness, we may all feel stronger, and so better able to then give and receive that kind of unrequited support to one another even when we know each other well. I appreciate these questions that got me thinking.- Jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown3/19/2018 01:20:00 PM

      I really appreciate you for chiming in!!!! Thank you!

      Delete

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