When I'm not willing to lose to win
In case you haven't heard, Fantasia has a new song called Lose To Win. The song is a very personal testimony to a situation I can relate to. And it reflects a theme in my life that I've been trying (albeit not as hard as I could) to rid myself of.
I talk a lot about trusting the process and going with the flow, but I notice in my day-to-day life, I haven't made these things part of my experience. I know them in theory. I occasionally practice them. I've grown to be able to be very honest with myself about most things I know about me. I know my shortcomings and I know my good qualities.
One of my shortcomings is the inability to be willing to lose to win sometimes when it matters most. I've been told that love and fear can not occupy the same space. If that is true, I admit that I operate a lot of times from a place of fear. I'm concerned with not being good enough. And while I understand that my experience is normal for a lot of people, that doesn't decrease my desire for it to go away. It doesn't make me feel better and it doesn't help at all when I've had enough and want to break the old and tired habit of being afraid to live.
The desire to be liked (by one or by many) is something I had a hard time admitting until very recently. Life is a little easier when you don't have people lurking who want to make it more difficult. I'm currently asking myself why I don't want to deal with that kind of adversity. I dislike being questioned about and even more so having to defend what is precious to me. I feel like it's a waste of my energy. There are plenty of fights that will have to be fought in my lifetime and fighting with people because they don't like me has never been on my agenda.
I know in theory that we seek things outside of our self when we don't have a fill of it within. I used to think that it's so much easier to have someone else love you in place of loving yourself. Even typing that right now feels ridiculous. But it was what I thought based on experience. And you do what you can with what you have until you know better and have better. Then you do better.
I am a human being who struggles to just be. I struggle with knowing how to navigate efficiently through this life while taking advantage of opportunities and evolving from challenges. I get tired a lot. I feel angry often. But this is my experience. It's my responsibility. The quality of it depends on the quality of my choices. It's obvious to me that the choices I've been making haven't been moving me forward. They've been keeping me stuck....right here....longing for something different and better. When most people offer advice, it falls on deaf ears because I know what I need to do. I need to be willing to lose some people, places, and things in order to win the kind of life I want. And until I am able to do that, I'm going to get what I've been getting. When I believe I deserve better and am willing to do better, I will have and be better.
Love,
Ellen Gee
P.S.
I wrote this to purge thoughts. I am not looking for sympathy. :-)
I talk a lot about trusting the process and going with the flow, but I notice in my day-to-day life, I haven't made these things part of my experience. I know them in theory. I occasionally practice them. I've grown to be able to be very honest with myself about most things I know about me. I know my shortcomings and I know my good qualities.
One of my shortcomings is the inability to be willing to lose to win sometimes when it matters most. I've been told that love and fear can not occupy the same space. If that is true, I admit that I operate a lot of times from a place of fear. I'm concerned with not being good enough. And while I understand that my experience is normal for a lot of people, that doesn't decrease my desire for it to go away. It doesn't make me feel better and it doesn't help at all when I've had enough and want to break the old and tired habit of being afraid to live.
The desire to be liked (by one or by many) is something I had a hard time admitting until very recently. Life is a little easier when you don't have people lurking who want to make it more difficult. I'm currently asking myself why I don't want to deal with that kind of adversity. I dislike being questioned about and even more so having to defend what is precious to me. I feel like it's a waste of my energy. There are plenty of fights that will have to be fought in my lifetime and fighting with people because they don't like me has never been on my agenda.
I know in theory that we seek things outside of our self when we don't have a fill of it within. I used to think that it's so much easier to have someone else love you in place of loving yourself. Even typing that right now feels ridiculous. But it was what I thought based on experience. And you do what you can with what you have until you know better and have better. Then you do better.
I am a human being who struggles to just be. I struggle with knowing how to navigate efficiently through this life while taking advantage of opportunities and evolving from challenges. I get tired a lot. I feel angry often. But this is my experience. It's my responsibility. The quality of it depends on the quality of my choices. It's obvious to me that the choices I've been making haven't been moving me forward. They've been keeping me stuck....right here....longing for something different and better. When most people offer advice, it falls on deaf ears because I know what I need to do. I need to be willing to lose some people, places, and things in order to win the kind of life I want. And until I am able to do that, I'm going to get what I've been getting. When I believe I deserve better and am willing to do better, I will have and be better.
Love,
Ellen Gee
P.S.
I wrote this to purge thoughts. I am not looking for sympathy. :-)
About 2/3 through reading this I was like "ok, I guess I have to go find the song and listen to it to fully comprehend what she is saying here" but I think you summed it up well at the end. Some of your other posts might have 1 thinking you wouldn't be having stuff like this come about anymore because of presumably learning from similar enough experiences but perhaps you have been too focused on other things? If that is the case though, and if you have been achieving what you would like with those other things, of course no need to do too much self-criticism... just try to balance things out a bit more with where you dedicate your time if you really would like to make adjustments.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this would be considered sympathy... if it is, my bad, wasn't on purpose.