A Unicorn on drugs for the goodness of mankind

I had a blog in me earlier today. I was pondering my behavior again. I realize that I'm not a monster but I do have a problem managing my emotions. When I say problem managing my emotions, I mean I have not made a habit of putting a pause in between a situation and my reaction to it. I do not consistently allow time to process which reaction is appropriate to the particular situation I'm in. Let's be clear. I am used to reacting from a certain set of responses. These were my core responses to situations that I either created over and over again or experienced over and over again. One of them is fear. One of them is anger. I was so used to automatically pulling one of these two out of my bag that people changed the way they approached me and "handled" their interactions with me. People were on edge. They walked around on egg shells. They were uncomfortable. At first, I was oblivious to the reactions I caused. When I became aware of them, sometimes I didn't care. The times that I cared were few and far between and didn't occur enough to trigger any significant desire to change. I just apologized until the next reaction. The apology was sincere. The desire to change, not so much.

By the time I realized that I needed to change because my relationships were being strained by the slavery, I felt intimidated. I felt overwhelmed. I spent so much time reacting and now I'm faced with the task of consistently applying the knowledge I acquired throughout my evolution. It was time to put up or shut up. I realize that continuing to shit instead of getting off the pot was more detrimental to my relationships than I thought.

People didn't trust me to treat them well. They didn't trust the positive change because it was short-lived. So now I've reached what feels like a point of no return. I don't know if it feels like that because I'm caught up in my emotions. I do know though that I don't want to be THAT person. I've learned too much to NOT be able to put enough of a pause in front of my reaction to make a decent and appropriate choice.

Making decisions from a happy, sad, frustrated, or angry place usually results in do overs. I haven't been paying attention to myself much lately. I've been eating poorly, not drinking enough water, not getting enough sleep, and working too hard. I've been pushing myself. I've been irritable. The medication isn't working as well. I'm stressed. I'm aware that I'm stressed. But I thought I was just being all these things to myself. I forgot that my energy is exchanged with everyone I come in contact with. I forgot that I have to be responsible for the energy that I being into any space. And the energy I have been bringing is murky, scattered, and erratic. It's been short and frustrated and overwhelmed.

I started putting myself back on track a few months ago but lost my way. I stumbled. I got comfortable and forgot that this journey is not made easier with one single action. It's managed with a combination of skills. That combination adjusts itself according to the situation. It's tailored to it. It takes everything in me to change. It takes everything in me to remember. It takes everything in me to grow. I gave my son some advice because he too is a giver. I told him that in order to give joyfully and joyously, you must consistently give from your overflow and make sure that your cup runneth over. When your cup stops running over, that's when you need to rejuvenate yourself. This is when you need to pull back and care more for you. And caring for you means something different to each person. For me, it means being a unicorn on drugs for the goodness of mankind.

Thank you for reading.