Having an honesty moment

I've been needing to have one of these with myself for a while now. I need to admit some things to myself out loud.  Here goes everything!

I wouldn't necessarily call myself lazy, but I prefer to sleep in. I prefer the path to least resistance, unless I'm being challenged. If I'm not being challenged, I don't always see the need to exert unnecessary energy into something. The problem is, I haven't really been challenging myself. I think I still have tomorrow. I think I still have time to step into the fullness of my greatness.

I go to work and look around and realize that my talents are being wasted away. But I'm scared. I'm afraid that my leap of faith will land me on my face. Not because of my talent, or lack thereof. Mostly because I question my ability to step up to the plate consistently enough to maintain a certain level of excellence. I'm just being honest.

I wanted to start a YouTube diary page, but I hesitated in doing so because I worried too much about how I'd come across on the camera. Typing these words is a safer way to go. I realize while typing though, that I'm not challenging myself. I'm not scared to do this. There's little to no growth in that.

I also wasn't ready for criticism. I still care about whether people like me or not. My skin hasn't thickened up enough. THIS IS HARD.

The other thing that's been bothering me lately is my inability to connect with my higher self. I actually feel disconnected. I'm not inspired to pray. I'm not inspired to meditate. I feel like I'm walking around alone watching the world go by. I'm not experiencing a passion for life. I'm grateful to be here, but I feel like I'm just here. And to be clear, I'm not unhappy. I'm just not ecstatic. And I feel like I'm supposed to be.

I watch the moves of women I admire. I watch their hustle. I watch their grind. And let me be clear, this is NOT a pity party. It's a reality check for me. I'm looking at myself and seeing these things as clearly as possible.

So I'm giving myself permission to be honest with me. I realize that there is a need for change, but the motivation for it is missing. This is what being uncomfortably familiar with life looks like. And because I have moments where I feel like I'm living, I feel like I'm doing something. I'm not where I used to be. That's what I tell myself. But here feels old and tired. Here feels too familiar. I think this might be the beginning of becoming uncomfortable. I don't know.

I just know I crave an exceptional experience in this life. And being lazy, afraid, hesitant, and disconnected ain't gonna get me to exceptional.

What comes first? The life or the passion?

Comments

  1. Dunori4/10/2015 08:28:00 AM

    I think obtaining mastery level at whatever one is passionate about can still be achieved while holding a day job... Might take longer, but that would be a prerequisite at least for me to taking that leap.
    If you think it may be beneficial for group support for the higher self stuff my meditation crew recently expanded to b-more and meets on Thursday evenings. Reach back for more info if you're interested.

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