Drama...Stress...and Chaos....OH MY
I realized today that depression is creeping up on me. Even though it's not a crippling or debilitating version of it, it's taking its toll on me. I noticed it around Day 5 of 365. The happiness, euphoria, and motivation that started mid-December are declining.
So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what happened. Was it something specific that happened? Is this PMS? Am I dehydrated? Are there things that are bothering me or worrying me that I'm not completely aware of? Have I experienced an overt or subtle change? Am I getting enough of the right kinds of foods? Is something unresolved? Is someone bothering me?
I realized that I'm in an ebb and it became especially clear to me when I talked to someone about my feelings about some doctor's appointments that I had. While I told myself that whatever the outcome of the visits was, I'd be fine, I didn't consider the emotions leading up and immediately after to the visits. I didn't consider the stress, the sadness, or the pause that would be needed to process what was happening. I'm not motivated to work. I'm not motivated to learn. I'm not motivated to meet my obligations. THIS is how I know that it's depression. So I'm writing about it.
At almost 43, I've learned to live with pain and stress in an extremely unhealthy way. I've accepted that they exist to the point where I expect them to be part of whatever process I experience. I see people who have an aversion to pain and stress and they seem so strange to me. After all, it's a regular part of life right? Regular, even continual? Yes. Constant.....continuous...NO! I've been stressed for more than 30 years and I lived with it and it lived in me as if that's what was supposed to be. What a luxury it must be for people who don't experience constant, continuous stress huh? It's a luxury I have not afforded myself most of my life. I didn't know that it was a luxury for me.
For a while, I even touted my ability to deal with so much as if it was something to be proud of. It was all I knew. The thought of living a relatively stress-free life wasn't even on my radar. How else would I be able to brag that I'm so strong? Living SURELY did teach me something very different.
My strength is not determined by how much of an ass-kicking I can take from life and the people in mine. I'm glad I finally realized that this is an absurd way of thinking.
Moving further away from familiar stress, chaos, and drama is what. I deal with a lot of people and dealing with people is stressful. Accepting that people are who they are and that they are where they are supposed to be on their path is awesome in theory. Practice? Not so much yet. Finding the balance of maintaining healthy boundaries and "letting people be" is hard for a recovering people-pleaser. Ensuring that I don't engage in or get distracted too long by other people's drama and chaos when I worked so hard at removing it from my own space is another what. I feel compelled to be there for people and am angry that people don't mind dumping the problems (in the sense that they are not looking for solutions) in other people's spaces. I struggle to respect that process because I moved out of it myself. Is that fair? NO....but it's my truth right now.
I realized a long time ago (when I recognized that I was addicted to drama and chaos) that we confuse them (drama and chaos) for excitement in our lives. It's human to want to be alive and to FEEL alive. That is a legitimate necessity. Drama and chaos are not healthy replacements for excitement. They are not a necessity in our lives......no matter what purpose they serve.
I considered going back to therapy, but don't like the limited options I have because of my health insurance. I know time at the gym has been proven to be useful in managing depression. Meanwhile, the depression sits me down in a way that any excuse not to go to the gym is a good one. I KNOW that this is something that I have to push through. No one needs to tell me this again. I considered meds again also, but dismissed the idea because I said until I got into the gym and tested that out, I wouldn't do meds again. Now if I get into the gym and realize that meds might be helpful still, I'll talk to someone about it.
And I'll get it figured out. Because that's what I do with my life.
Thanks for reading,
E.G.
So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what happened. Was it something specific that happened? Is this PMS? Am I dehydrated? Are there things that are bothering me or worrying me that I'm not completely aware of? Have I experienced an overt or subtle change? Am I getting enough of the right kinds of foods? Is something unresolved? Is someone bothering me?
WHAT IS GOING ON?
I realized that I'm in an ebb and it became especially clear to me when I talked to someone about my feelings about some doctor's appointments that I had. While I told myself that whatever the outcome of the visits was, I'd be fine, I didn't consider the emotions leading up and immediately after to the visits. I didn't consider the stress, the sadness, or the pause that would be needed to process what was happening. I'm not motivated to work. I'm not motivated to learn. I'm not motivated to meet my obligations. THIS is how I know that it's depression. So I'm writing about it.
At almost 43, I've learned to live with pain and stress in an extremely unhealthy way. I've accepted that they exist to the point where I expect them to be part of whatever process I experience. I see people who have an aversion to pain and stress and they seem so strange to me. After all, it's a regular part of life right? Regular, even continual? Yes. Constant.....continuous...NO! I've been stressed for more than 30 years and I lived with it and it lived in me as if that's what was supposed to be. What a luxury it must be for people who don't experience constant, continuous stress huh? It's a luxury I have not afforded myself most of my life. I didn't know that it was a luxury for me.
For a while, I even touted my ability to deal with so much as if it was something to be proud of. It was all I knew. The thought of living a relatively stress-free life wasn't even on my radar. How else would I be able to brag that I'm so strong? Living SURELY did teach me something very different.
My strength is not determined by how much of an ass-kicking I can take from life and the people in mine. I'm glad I finally realized that this is an absurd way of thinking.
SO NOW WHAT?
Moving further away from familiar stress, chaos, and drama is what. I deal with a lot of people and dealing with people is stressful. Accepting that people are who they are and that they are where they are supposed to be on their path is awesome in theory. Practice? Not so much yet. Finding the balance of maintaining healthy boundaries and "letting people be" is hard for a recovering people-pleaser. Ensuring that I don't engage in or get distracted too long by other people's drama and chaos when I worked so hard at removing it from my own space is another what. I feel compelled to be there for people and am angry that people don't mind dumping the problems (in the sense that they are not looking for solutions) in other people's spaces. I struggle to respect that process because I moved out of it myself. Is that fair? NO....but it's my truth right now.
I realized a long time ago (when I recognized that I was addicted to drama and chaos) that we confuse them (drama and chaos) for excitement in our lives. It's human to want to be alive and to FEEL alive. That is a legitimate necessity. Drama and chaos are not healthy replacements for excitement. They are not a necessity in our lives......no matter what purpose they serve.
I considered going back to therapy, but don't like the limited options I have because of my health insurance. I know time at the gym has been proven to be useful in managing depression. Meanwhile, the depression sits me down in a way that any excuse not to go to the gym is a good one. I KNOW that this is something that I have to push through. No one needs to tell me this again. I considered meds again also, but dismissed the idea because I said until I got into the gym and tested that out, I wouldn't do meds again. Now if I get into the gym and realize that meds might be helpful still, I'll talk to someone about it.
And I'll get it figured out. Because that's what I do with my life.
Thanks for reading,
E.G.
Might be nice to get a part 2 to this one with an update on the depression.
ReplyDeleteWe are furthest away from the Sun at this point until we hit the equinox. The sun powers melanin to create the hormone known as vitamin D3. Full spectrum lightbulbs, trips to the conservatory to sit in the tropical room and load up on oxygen.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for processing this out loud.
ReplyDelete"My strength is not determined by how much of an ass-kicking I can take from life..." <-- THIS IS ALL OF EVERYTHING
Thank you so much for always and in all ways finding the words to bravely express what we all struggle to say. I love you. I love what you are, what you've been and what you're becoming. Thank you.
ReplyDelete