Working My Way Back To You Babe......

For the most part, I've been off social media (and by off I mean refraining from posting) since March 20th. I needed a break from talking publicly. I needed to listen. I needed to watch. I needed to observe. I was in desperate need of some clarity.

I continued chatting with friends during the hiatus, but I didn't say anything publicly. I didn't like anything. I didn't comment on posts. I didn't answer any tags. I just held private conversations and lurked. Those who REALLY know me, know that when I get quiet, something important is happening.

Here are 5 (of 15)  things that I realized about myself and was able to begin to make peace with when I decided to get quiet:

1. I realized that I had an unwarranted fear of missing out. If I didn't keep people engaged, if I didn't respond to people, if I didn't answer their tags.....what would happen? I assumed people would forget about me. I assumed people would get caught up in the "next best thing" or the "next new thing". That made me nervous as fuck at first. Then I had an epiphany. And I stopped caring as much. I still care about ignoring people. I still care about given people the attention they ask for or need. But I don't prioritize their needs over my own. Because, for me, the compulsion to do almost anything means that I'm not acting from an intentional space. I'm acting out of fear or habit or something worse. I'm glad I had this realization.

2. Engaging on social media regularly meant "being cool" with people I really don't like on social media a whole lot. It meant opening up space for people because they liked me, but not really figuring out if I really liked them. I didn't like this when I realized it about me. I'm still out here in these streets caring about whether or not people like me and caring about what that means for them instead of what it means for me. Disconnecting helped me to see what I was doing. I'm glad I had this realization.

3. I don't like toxic maleness. I just don't. I don't hate maleness, but I don't like it the toxicity of it. I'm mad that I felt compelled to try. (But that's what toxic maleness does.) I don't like what it's done to us as human beings. I don't like the dichotomy of and dynamics in our relationships with toxic maleness. And the more I love being a woman, the less I like, want to be around, want to engage with, and want to deal with toxic maleness. It's pervasive and I am not here for it. I don't care who doesn't like it. I think it's fuckshit. I'm glad I had this realization.

4. I find a lot of things less funny now. I know I haven't lost my sense of humor completely, but a lot of things that people think are a kee are a hot ass mess to me now. Making fun and light of serious things seems to be the go-to coping mechanism and it's crippling us because we won't move past the laughs to get to real healing. We're laughing to keep from crying, but we NEED to cry. Feeling our feelings won't kill us. But we don't know how to do that it seems. Comments like "don't feel like that" and "don't cry" and "it will be over soon"sound helpful on the surface. But I think people need to SIT with their feelings. As uncomfortable as it may be, it might not be over soon, but it won't last forever. The inability to sit with our feelings got us out here in these streets wilding.

5. People dole out trust more freely than they do respect. People are still convinced that respect has to be earned. Trust has be earned. Respect should be given to everyone we meet.


I'm glad I decided to silence myself when I did. I was able to avoid giving a public opinion about a lot of what I saw. This is important to me because it helped me to see how I was adding to noise and poison. It helped me to see how I was adding to discord and drama. It helped me to see what I was doing to myself and to others. I needed to get more clear.....about a lot of things. I am glad I had this realization.