Fear Factor



So one of my social media friends, friend in my head, and sister in the future posted this yesterday and when I tell you IT STOPPED ME COLD IN MY TRACKS. I started doing some healing work Sunday night and this was the perfect reflection opportunity.

I talk a lot of about there are Five Big Emotions/Feelings that, when they grow out of control, start to push us around and make us do things that we either don't realize, feel like we can't control, and/or don't want to do. Those FBEs are fear, anger, guilt, shame, and sadness. I am, in real time, reflecting on fear right now. This meme helped me to hone on in fear and its role in my life.

Fear has some control over my "yes". It had some control over my "no". It keeps them at just enough of a distance to make it appear that I'm doing what I need to do for myself and others. EXCEPT what I'm saying "yes" to is not the thing in my life that I actually want for myself. It's the thing that will make people like me. It's the thing that will make people believe that I am kind. It's the thing that will help people to feel supported. I like when people like me. I like when I am perceived as kind. I like the idea that I am experienced as supportive. In and of themselves, these are not bad things. EXCEPT when they are motivated and orchestrated by fear.

As long as I can remember, fear has been a part of my decision-making process. I feared missing out on opportunities. I feared seeming selfish by putting myself and my needs first. I feared outcomes and so I moved with the illusion of control to ensure that certain outcomes were guaranteed. A life seemed to comply. It seemed to cooperate. That reinforced the use of fear as a tool for me.

And now I see that getting clear doesn't live anywhere near fear. Getting clear takes courage. Getting clear means that people might be upset with my no or my yes. *stares at the shrinking people pleaser* Getting clear means that structure is coming. And if you know me, you know that I've avoided structure because I misunderstood it to mean a hindrance on my freedom. WHOLE TIME, it's one of the major keys to freedom.

What happens to my life when I make a firm decision about what I want for it and then say no to any and everything that is not that? Peace, security, freedom, and joy ensue. Fear diminishes and reduces and eventually dissipates.

I used fear before as a motivator. I didn't know that this was what I was doing all the time. I knew that it was what I was doing too much of the time though. So today, I start saying no to fear...since it's not the kind of life I actually want and it is the very thing that doesn't belong in the one I do want.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Honest Assessment of My Love Life

So they say we date at our self-esteem levels. It must be at the bottom of the level. I’m laughing to myself as I type this, but I’m very serious. I’ve never dated what I consider to be a high quality man. I’m not sure I’ve ever even attracted one. I ask myself do I consider myself to be a high quality woman. Parts of me say yes and parts of me say no. The parts of me that say yes are the parts that know that I can be sweet, caring, and nurturing. The parts of me that say yes know that I am smart, ambitious, and talented. Those parts don’t attract men to me though. Not closely anyway. Those parts attract my admirers. Those parts attract the men who want to partner with me to get work done. The parts of me that I don’t consider to be high quality are the parts of me that make their way to the surface and find my partners. These men are not transparent. They are not honest. They have very questionable levels of integrity. They are not growing at the same pace that I want to grow. Are th
Read more

What leaving Facebook showed me about myself

This will probably end up being a listicle (list/article)......because energy..... What leaving Facebook for a little under 2 weeks showed me about myself: 1. I was absolutely addicted to logging in and interacting with the toxicity on FB. I aggravated anxiety, triggered myself, and could not find the strength to turn away most days. I was annoyed with people and their thoughts, their opinions, their pity parties, their expression, and just them. But I could not find the strength to turn away most days. 2. I tricked myself into believing that I could manage the addiction (because that's what addiction looks like). I unfollowed people, muted people, unfriended people, blocked people, tried to stay on my own timeline, and tried to only go to certain people's pages. INSTEAD OF LOGGING OUT AND OFF so I am admitting to myself and to other people that my life became unmanageable. 3. I only claimed I wanted to be successful. I didn't do the things I knew I needed to do to
Read more

Beyonce, Trump, and The War on Black Unity

I don't know if I can think of a woman, black woman more specifically, who is more polarizing in 2017 than Beyonce'. She announced today that she was pregnant with twins. And like clockwork, people on the far right and others on the far left took to social media to stand (either up or down) for Beyonce and her announcement. She's been called a distraction, a queen, and a lot of things in between. I joked on social media before about putting in an application for the BeyHive when she dropped Lemonade. I'm not a hater, nor am I a stan. I sit right in the middle. I enjoy listening to and dancing to her music. I enjoy watching her perform. I'd never pay to see her live. And while I think that she's arguably the greatest performer in my children's generation, I have the benefit of having lived long enough to know other great performers. It's the first day of February. It's officially Black History Month. For some of us, it's a time to celebrate ou
Read more