Why I Don't Like Advice From My Social Media Friends
This post has been a long time coming. It's been bubbling up inside of me for about a year or so and I was finally able to turn off the heat and let the waters cool so that I could express what I needed to say without fire. Cuz I don't want to give off fire.
So yeah. I'm not sure that there's a "nice" way to say to people that you don't want their advice. I'm guilty AF at offering advice to people who didn't ask for it. Those people are my people though. My kids. My friends. My family members. For some of them *cough....my kids.....cough*, they don't want my advice. They don't want me to fix it. They really just wanted me to listen. We still struggle with this. If you preface the conversation with "I need to get something off my chest" I know how to hold my tongue and open my heart and my ears. The part of me that "needs" to fix things goes off to her quiet little corner and does something else.
BUT....if the conversation isn't prefaced with that or MORE IMPORTANTLY FOR THEM, if I don't ask what they need for me, I jump straight to fixing. It causes and has caused a lot of communication problems in my personal relationships.
I used to regularly offer advice to people on social media too. Then I realized that I don't know those people as well as I think I do. I don't know why they're posting what they're posting. I don't know if they need my help. I don't know if what I have to offer is what they even want. So I stopped. And let's be clear, there are plenty of people who want and give and receive advice freely on social media to friends and strangers and those people are happy to give and receive said advice. I. AM. NOT. ONE. OF. THOSE. PEOPLE.
Talking about feelings also helped me to get more clear about how people are uncomfortable with just letting things be....until they are no longer that way. If we say we're sad, people rush to our statuses and try to cheer us up or tell us not to be sad. What's wrong with being sad though? Unless you're sad for a very very long time, being sad is a part of life. Unless you are tired of being sad and don't know how to stop being sad, what's wrong with being sad?
It's the same when we're angry. People tell us that we shouldn't be angry. WELL WHAT SHOULD WE BE? Can I be angry now and then get to understanding? Can I be angry and then get to the point where I don't want to be angry anymore? Again, if I'm angry for too long, that could be a problem. But who decides what's too long? Certainly not your discomfort right?
Anyway, because I am very clear about my process...at least the portion of it that is crystal clear to me lol.....I don't and cannot appreciate other people's chatter while I'm in my process. And there are only a few people I go to for advice when I need it. If those people aren't available or if I feel like I want another perspective, I ask for it. PRO TIP: Asking for advice and asking for perspective are not the same thing.
I know a lot of people don't seem to know how to do this. But I do. I made it my business to learn how to seek advice from my peers. So I don't like it when people offer advice I didn't ask for. Because you don't know me as well as you might think, you don't know what I know....or don't know. And I think it's good practice to ask people whether or not they know about something instead of assuming they don't. And I don't like it. It's a boundary that I created for myself and I want people to respect it. #At44, I understand how confusing it is to read someone's thoughts and interpret them as a request for assistance. I just be venting though. When I need help, I ask for it. If I'm not asking, I'm not at the point of needing or don't want it from you. And that's not an attack on you that I don't want advice from you. I just think it's a bad habit that we have dropping what we perceive to be gems in other peoples' spaces. At the very least, we can ask if someone wants our jewelry. The "worst" thing they can say is no. And we can be o.k. with that right?
So yeah. I'm not sure that there's a "nice" way to say to people that you don't want their advice. I'm guilty AF at offering advice to people who didn't ask for it. Those people are my people though. My kids. My friends. My family members. For some of them *cough....my kids.....cough*, they don't want my advice. They don't want me to fix it. They really just wanted me to listen. We still struggle with this. If you preface the conversation with "I need to get something off my chest" I know how to hold my tongue and open my heart and my ears. The part of me that "needs" to fix things goes off to her quiet little corner and does something else.
BUT....if the conversation isn't prefaced with that or MORE IMPORTANTLY FOR THEM, if I don't ask what they need for me, I jump straight to fixing. It causes and has caused a lot of communication problems in my personal relationships.
I used to regularly offer advice to people on social media too. Then I realized that I don't know those people as well as I think I do. I don't know why they're posting what they're posting. I don't know if they need my help. I don't know if what I have to offer is what they even want. So I stopped. And let's be clear, there are plenty of people who want and give and receive advice freely on social media to friends and strangers and those people are happy to give and receive said advice. I. AM. NOT. ONE. OF. THOSE. PEOPLE.
Talking about feelings also helped me to get more clear about how people are uncomfortable with just letting things be....until they are no longer that way. If we say we're sad, people rush to our statuses and try to cheer us up or tell us not to be sad. What's wrong with being sad though? Unless you're sad for a very very long time, being sad is a part of life. Unless you are tired of being sad and don't know how to stop being sad, what's wrong with being sad?
It's the same when we're angry. People tell us that we shouldn't be angry. WELL WHAT SHOULD WE BE? Can I be angry now and then get to understanding? Can I be angry and then get to the point where I don't want to be angry anymore? Again, if I'm angry for too long, that could be a problem. But who decides what's too long? Certainly not your discomfort right?
Anyway, because I am very clear about my process...at least the portion of it that is crystal clear to me lol.....I don't and cannot appreciate other people's chatter while I'm in my process. And there are only a few people I go to for advice when I need it. If those people aren't available or if I feel like I want another perspective, I ask for it. PRO TIP: Asking for advice and asking for perspective are not the same thing.
I know a lot of people don't seem to know how to do this. But I do. I made it my business to learn how to seek advice from my peers. So I don't like it when people offer advice I didn't ask for. Because you don't know me as well as you might think, you don't know what I know....or don't know. And I think it's good practice to ask people whether or not they know about something instead of assuming they don't. And I don't like it. It's a boundary that I created for myself and I want people to respect it. #At44, I understand how confusing it is to read someone's thoughts and interpret them as a request for assistance. I just be venting though. When I need help, I ask for it. If I'm not asking, I'm not at the point of needing or don't want it from you. And that's not an attack on you that I don't want advice from you. I just think it's a bad habit that we have dropping what we perceive to be gems in other peoples' spaces. At the very least, we can ask if someone wants our jewelry. The "worst" thing they can say is no. And we can be o.k. with that right?
Very good point about expressing traditionally negative emotions - there really is nothing wrong with doing so. But I think many of us are brought up believing trying to help alleviate the negativity is an act of love or friendship. We should try to realize more though that expressing it is a means of getting it out of your system and may require to be done uninterupted. So perhaps next time someone says they're sad, mad, etc., instead of saying to oneself "let me talk about it with her/him" we could/should say "let me give her/him some space & time".
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