The Problem With Self-Deception

Outside of the obvious, there is this underlying problem with self-deception. I remember when I would NOT accept who I was. I remember wanting to be so different that I refused to accept who I actually WAS. Every problem was one that was caused by someone else. Every situation was one that someone got me in to. Every ordeal was generated by something outside of me.

Fast forward to the relationship that helped me to begin to change everything. I was in a relationship with my mirror. This man was who I was. He was a liar. He was a cheat. He was an addict. He was irresponsible. He was sweet. He was (somewhat) free. He loved to learn. He was creative. I embraced all the things about him that I embraced in myself. The things in me I didn't even acknowledge, I judged him so very harshly. I made excuses for who I was (and NONE for him). I was the way that I was because of how I was raised or because of something that had to do with someone else. None of this bull I shitted on people's front steps was my own. You fed me the food and I just gave you what you gave me. O_O

It took for the relationship to end before I would realize that I was so very wrong in so many ways. I didn't want to accept that I wasn't perfect. I knew it. But I didn't want to accept it. When I stopped fighting it, I witnessed a shift. Did I continue to do things that people considered to be wrong? Yes. But I no longer blamed anybody else for what I did. I acknowledged that they were part of my decision making process but that the final decision to do WHATEVER I did was on me.

And in me admitting that I too fucked up, I didn't suffer the way I did before. I knew that the crops I reaped were sown by me. It lessens the sting. It soothes the hurt, knowing that life isn't happening to me. I wasn't as surprised when I got the reactions from people I did because I owned what happened. I didn't always like it but I knew I had to eat that and shit in my own toilet from now on.

I know where I'm great. I know what I'm good at. I also know where I'm not so great. I know where I make mistakes. AND I'm willing to listen to people when they tell me where I'm right or wrong in their eyes. You can lie to other people. To lie to yourself, though, (especially about who you are) is one of the worst things you can do to yourself.

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