Why do I have to be so hard-headed?

Every time I get up, I tell myself that my morning will not dictate my day. I'm usually right. If I'm having a good morning, I do what I can to keep up with the momentum. If I'm having a challenging morning, I give myself a deadline to deal with whatever is going on and I move on as best I can after that deadline. It works for the most part. Evolving has been a part of my life for the past 7 years or so. I mean, it's been a part of my existence since I got pushed out of the womb but I've been just living mostly until then. I didn't have a clue about what life was about. And by the time I made my mind up to try to figure it out, I'd set myself up for some uphill battles. And I've been used to battling. It's a nasty habit to have to be ready to fight all the time. And as much as I say I crave peace and the quietness it brings, I seem to find myself making automatic choices based on past experiences. The responses aren't even warranted most times and I immediately recognize what I'm doing (most of the time) and redirect. I've gotten to the point where the shit is getting on my nerves. I'd like to make all my bad habits disappear. Oh what my life would look like if...excuse me, I mean when that happens.

In the meantime, I'm trying to be grateful that I even recognize my own shit. A long time ago I couldn't. Now that I can, I'd like to be more aggressive...or is it assertive?....about doing something about it. I know that change happens one choice at a time. Old habits fight for their damn lives I tell you.....especially the bad ones. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that I'm lazy as hell about changing certain things in my life. I get angry with myself for being this way....mostly because I know I can do better but just don't. But I know that change doesn't come from being chastised....not all the time anyway. And besides, I don't want to chastise myself into change. I prefer to love myself into it. I say all of this to say that I am sick of being hard-headed and clinging on to my own BS.

How much do I have to want to be someone better and do something better in order for me to actually be and do? Because right now, it doesn't seem like I want it enough. And if it sounds like I don't like or love myself right now, that's not the case. I don't like or love the part of me that's holding me back. I need to do something. NOW!

Comments

  1. Dunori2/18/2013 01:10:00 PM

    "Old habits fight for their damn lives I tell you.....especially the bad ones."
    Well said and I agree.
    Judging from how the EoP is going, the hard-headedness seems to have softened.

    ReplyDelete

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