The Evolution of Perspective

I hear the word "fraud" thrown around a lot in 12-step program meetings. People are concerned with being or behaving like a fraud. They are aware of the disconnect between their actions and their intentions. They understand how it can be confusing to people. *disclaimer* I have no method to the madness right now *end disclaimer* When I entered therapy for the first time, he asked me what my goal was. What I wanted to do was bridge the gap between who I was and who I knew I could be. I've been trying to do that ever since. The problem I see today is that who I know I can be feels like a fantasy. It feels like I'm striving for a God goal. My personality disorder doesn't leave a lot of room for me to be real. I either have to be perfect or accept that I am going to fuckitup. And that's confusing for me. *I'm losing all train of thought and connection to my intention right now*  LE SIGH I've been on a mission to reconcile my personality for a lon...

I'm struggling to find a place to start so I'm going to just type that and see where this goes. I know what I'm trying to say....I think. I want to talk about how my mind feels like a trap for my feelings. I want to talk about how my feelings bum rush my mind's door because they're trying to get out. They need to get out. They need to be acknowledged. They need to be validated. Or at least that's what they believe. Some of them are siblings. Hurt and pain look a lot alike. Some of them are distant relatives. Pain and frustration know each other and hang out some time. I picture the feelings moving around bumping into each other in my head. And when one finds an opening, they all rush to get out. Sometimes they all get stuck at the opening. Sometimes two or three of them make their way out. Sometimes the ones that make their way out don't match. So I'm stuck trying to figure out which one to give the mic to. I sometimes give the mic to the wrong one and...

Peace. Be Still. Joy comes in the morning. It also comes at night......and consistently during the day I had a conversation with a friend and reflected on what I know about fear. It shows up in a number of ways. The most recognizable way for me is not trusting the process. I know that things will always be o.k. for me. The challenge is believing it when faced with things that don't look like "the  process".....the increments, the steps that I don't necessarily want to take. There are lessons of love and healing in the increments, so it makes sense to love that part also. My goal in life is to become a well-balanced person who possesses a well-integrated personality and trusts the process regardless of what it looks like. I found my definition for loving myself.  I posted that this morning on my  Facebook  page. I made a decision today that FOR TODAY, I would not let fear consume me. Today, I would not let it overcome me. I would replace a fearful thought with trust...

I'm struggling with something right now. I'm not saying that because I'm trying to rally the troops or because I'm asking for help. I really don't want any help. What I want is to be able to sit with this shit and learn how to deal with it. The problem with having problems is that I always feel like I need to DO something to solve them. The problem with having feelings is that I don't always feel obligated to feel them. I really would just like to be able to DEAL right now. I'm sure everyone struggles with finding common ground to rest on for their Self regularly. Maybe yall don't. I don't fucking know, but I know I can't be the only one. That wouldn't EVEN be my life. I keep coming back to my choices. I keep coming back to the raw reality that there's something way down deep inside of me that has a habit of  doing broken person shit. I'm afraid of accepting it because I feel like that says something about me. But in the same breath...

So I thought I was going to be able to slide right through this Mercury Retrograde with ease and poise. I'm not sure why I thought I was going to be able to do that. I think I got 5 days in before the crazy began to occur. The say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'm going to need someone to define "same". Because it feels like I'm doing something different and it feels like I'm doing things differently. I'm really wanting something different because the same shit in a different stall got old a long time ago. That is all for now