When music won't soothe the savage beast......

I'm struggling with something right now. I'm not saying that because I'm trying to rally the troops or because I'm asking for help. I really don't want any help. What I want is to be able to sit with this shit and learn how to deal with it. The problem with having problems is that I always feel like I need to DO something to solve them. The problem with having feelings is that I don't always feel obligated to feel them. I really would just like to be able to DEAL right now. I'm sure everyone struggles with finding common ground to rest on for their Self regularly. Maybe yall don't. I don't fucking know, but I know I can't be the only one. That wouldn't EVEN be my life.

I keep coming back to my choices. I keep coming back to the raw reality that there's something way down deep inside of me that has a habit of  doing broken person shit. I'm afraid of accepting it because I feel like that says something about me. But in the same breath, I afraid of NOT accepting it because you can't fix what you don't want to acknowledge. And for me, being aware is not the same as acknowledgment. The latter involves acceptance. The former does not require acceptance. I'm aware of a lot of my shit. Do I accept it? Nope.

I decided to try to listen to music to find something to connect to this morning. It's working because I got inspired to write. And it's not working because it's not distracting me enough. There's no question that I will get through this day unscathed, but I would love to be in a room all alone right now. I would love to be looking at what I'm struggling with.

I'm done.
Thanks for listening.

Comments

  1. Dunori8/13/2013 11:52:00 AM

    1 of the concepts we learned in Tantra class is called The Echo; it basically refers to when "shit happens", you are likely to get re-pissed on or near the anniversary of whatever the occurance was (unless it is some totally new shit happening). Perhaps you can check former blogs around the same date as this 1 to see if you agree/disagree. It is suggested that we keep old calendars to keep a record of anytime shit happens and right before the anniversaries of them return, we should party-hardy to help the sullenness of whatever shit happened be minimized. Hope that made sense.

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