Brick by Brick I accept you
While I'm sitting here listening to AbRock - When I Say freestyle , I'm reflecting on one of the biggest lessons I've been struggling with in my life. I've been a control freak since I was a child. I've been a liar, manipulator, the nice one, the supportive one, and the leader in various stages in my life. And it's all been to either subtly or overly attempt to control outcomes.
As a parent, I exercised my control freakness to the infinity degree. I'm glad my children survived. I'm glad they thrived. I thought it was my duty and my responsibility to control who they turned out to be. Nurturing them? Yeah, I nurtured them alright....by telling them what to do and how to do it. It wasn't until they were older that I realized that parenting is not synonymous with molding. They are their own person. They are their own individual. They are a mixture of me, their father, and life. The best way to guide children is to be an example of what you want them to exhibit. They watch, and if they choose, they follow.
As a mate, I exercised my control freakness to an embarrassing degree. In retrospect, I'm surprised that men were able to love me through that. I didn't know how to be mature in relationships so I manipulated my way through them. Crying, sex, pouting, and lying were not off the table when I decided I wanted a specific something from my significant other. Fortunately for me and them, I only abused the situation for emotional gain....fortunately? Significant others are not pets. They are human beings with their own agendas and feelings and experiences.
As a friend and family member, I exercised my control freakness with my presence (or absence). My relationships were either very warm or very cold and not much in between. I was proud of the fact that I could open and close doors in people's faces when they didn't please me. I felt like a big girl making big decisions. I still don't totally understand how family and friendship is supposed to work.
But the bottom line is, it's NOT my job to change people. That is so hard for me to accept. How self-centered is it for me to believe that I know what's better for you than you do? And why do I waste my time? It's not like I have life figured out. It's not like I have my shit figured out. The time I spent offering "gifts" to people who didn't ask for them in the first place is best spent on me and my evolution. They say that everything starts with self. I have noticed that the more I accept myself, the more I accept others. I resent people for trying to change me without my permission. I resent people who try to guide my life like it belongs to them.
I release the need to change people into the cosmos and replace it with the desire to love and accept them as is at any given moment. I love and accept you for who you are and I am thankful for the ability and capacity to do so.
Ase'
As a parent, I exercised my control freakness to the infinity degree. I'm glad my children survived. I'm glad they thrived. I thought it was my duty and my responsibility to control who they turned out to be. Nurturing them? Yeah, I nurtured them alright....by telling them what to do and how to do it. It wasn't until they were older that I realized that parenting is not synonymous with molding. They are their own person. They are their own individual. They are a mixture of me, their father, and life. The best way to guide children is to be an example of what you want them to exhibit. They watch, and if they choose, they follow.
As a mate, I exercised my control freakness to an embarrassing degree. In retrospect, I'm surprised that men were able to love me through that. I didn't know how to be mature in relationships so I manipulated my way through them. Crying, sex, pouting, and lying were not off the table when I decided I wanted a specific something from my significant other. Fortunately for me and them, I only abused the situation for emotional gain....fortunately? Significant others are not pets. They are human beings with their own agendas and feelings and experiences.
As a friend and family member, I exercised my control freakness with my presence (or absence). My relationships were either very warm or very cold and not much in between. I was proud of the fact that I could open and close doors in people's faces when they didn't please me. I felt like a big girl making big decisions. I still don't totally understand how family and friendship is supposed to work.
But the bottom line is, it's NOT my job to change people. That is so hard for me to accept. How self-centered is it for me to believe that I know what's better for you than you do? And why do I waste my time? It's not like I have life figured out. It's not like I have my shit figured out. The time I spent offering "gifts" to people who didn't ask for them in the first place is best spent on me and my evolution. They say that everything starts with self. I have noticed that the more I accept myself, the more I accept others. I resent people for trying to change me without my permission. I resent people who try to guide my life like it belongs to them.
I release the need to change people into the cosmos and replace it with the desire to love and accept them as is at any given moment. I love and accept you for who you are and I am thankful for the ability and capacity to do so.
Ase'
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