What I Learned About Myself and My Anger Today

I was sitting there and I could feel the tension building. I sensed the irritation growing. I didn't want to listen. I didn't want to participate. I started tuning people out. This is one of my anger patterns. I witnessed it happening today. It was interesting.

So o.k. I’m angry. Now what? I started talking about being angry. I said, “I’m angry as shit.” I said it because I was. Then I started talking about why I was angry. I was also resentful. I was resentful because things changed. I knew that they were going to change and I knew I would be both angry and resentful. Knowing it is one thing. Feeling it is something else. This is some basic shit, right? 

Anyway, I realized that I would be both angry and resentful because I would both take the lead and be expected to take the lead in a situation. I recognized that I am uncomfortable in silence and stillness and when I believe there is no movement or progression occurring…..or at least my perception of what movement or progression look like.

So the responsibility and expectation both planted the seed for anger and resentment. I don't mind taking responsibility when I feel like it's my choice. I do mind taking responsibility when I feel like others are shirking it. I do mind taking responsibility when I feel like people are being lazy. I do mind taking responsibility when I feel like people know they are capable to assume it but don't speak up. The silence and perceived lack of movement and progression are the water and fertilizer that feed the seed. 

But then something happened. I saw the situation through. Then I started to feel better. Then I stopped being angry and resentful altogether. 


So what initially looked like a problem with others was actually an opportunity for me to learn about the root of some feelings today. I was no longer angry. There was an evolution of my perspective about people in a specific situation today. This is what growth looks like. I actually processed an anger moment today. I felt good when I watched this process unfold. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Honest Assessment of My Love Life

So they say we date at our self-esteem levels. It must be at the bottom of the level. I’m laughing to myself as I type this, but I’m very serious. I’ve never dated what I consider to be a high quality man. I’m not sure I’ve ever even attracted one. I ask myself do I consider myself to be a high quality woman. Parts of me say yes and parts of me say no. The parts of me that say yes are the parts that know that I can be sweet, caring, and nurturing. The parts of me that say yes know that I am smart, ambitious, and talented. Those parts don’t attract men to me though. Not closely anyway. Those parts attract my admirers. Those parts attract the men who want to partner with me to get work done. The parts of me that I don’t consider to be high quality are the parts of me that make their way to the surface and find my partners. These men are not transparent. They are not honest. They have very questionable levels of integrity. They are not growing at the same pace that I want to grow. Are th...
Read more

Beyonce, Trump, and The War on Black Unity

I don't know if I can think of a woman, black woman more specifically, who is more polarizing in 2017 than Beyonce'. She announced today that she was pregnant with twins. And like clockwork, people on the far right and others on the far left took to social media to stand (either up or down) for Beyonce and her announcement. She's been called a distraction, a queen, and a lot of things in between. I joked on social media before about putting in an application for the BeyHive when she dropped Lemonade. I'm not a hater, nor am I a stan. I sit right in the middle. I enjoy listening to and dancing to her music. I enjoy watching her perform. I'd never pay to see her live. And while I think that she's arguably the greatest performer in my children's generation, I have the benefit of having lived long enough to know other great performers. It's the first day of February. It's officially Black History Month. For some of us, it's a time to celebrate ou...
Read more

What leaving Facebook showed me about myself

This will probably end up being a listicle (list/article)......because energy..... What leaving Facebook for a little under 2 weeks showed me about myself: 1. I was absolutely addicted to logging in and interacting with the toxicity on FB. I aggravated anxiety, triggered myself, and could not find the strength to turn away most days. I was annoyed with people and their thoughts, their opinions, their pity parties, their expression, and just them. But I could not find the strength to turn away most days. 2. I tricked myself into believing that I could manage the addiction (because that's what addiction looks like). I unfollowed people, muted people, unfriended people, blocked people, tried to stay on my own timeline, and tried to only go to certain people's pages. INSTEAD OF LOGGING OUT AND OFF so I am admitting to myself and to other people that my life became unmanageable. 3. I only claimed I wanted to be successful. I didn't do the things I knew I needed to do to...
Read more