What I Hate About Being A Mother
People close to me know that I am very transparent about my experience being a mother. I had my first child at 18. I had a small inkling of what parenthood and motherhood were. I knew that I needed to teach her to read and write and spell her name and say her manners. I knew that I would be responsible for her for a very long time. I'd teach her about life and what I had learned so far. (How arrogant of me to believe that 18 years of experience as a human being was enough to begin to show somebody something!)
I had my second child right before my 21st birthday. I had to teach him the same things AND I had to figure out how to get him to pee standing up. Again, 21 years of experience as a human being seemed like enough at the time. I wouldn't advise anyone to do it today.
I had my third child when I was 27. I hadn't begun to make sense of my life in what felt like a meaningful way. I was still reeling from choices I made when I was 18 and 21. I was busy doing things that helped to numb the pain. It kept gnawing at me. It wouldn't go away. And here I was with 3 children looking to me to be a responsible adult and do responsible things and nurture them and guide them and love them and be mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy for them. I'm not even going to mention financial responsibility yet.
So yeah, there I was, a piece of who I was supposed to be struggling through my past to get to my present to give me some hope for the future. I hated that my children had to see me go through this. I hated that I wasn't together more before I chose to bring them here. I hated that I couldn't pick better partners at the time. I was too busy trying to subconsciously fix shit that I didn't realize I didn't break to see what was actually going on.
I hated having to decide which truth to tell at what point in time. I hated being acutely aware of not knowing what the hell I was doing. I hated knowing that I didn't have as much to offer them. I hated that there were things that I wouldn't ever be able to fix. I hated feeling helpless because I couldn't walk their journey for them. I hated bringing my past and my limitations into their experiences. I hated being a poor example of who to be. I hated being so exposed. I hated that my moves were being clocked.
I can admit today that before, I resented not being able to walk away. In hindsight, I am grateful that I never exercised the option. But at the time, I experienced a jealousy for not being able to leave. People leave their kids all the time. My kids helped to save my life though. I didn't learn that fully until about 5 years ago. So I feel rightfully selfish to be able to say that I need them as much as they need me. So while there a things that I clearly hated about being a mother, I am fortunate because I can see their presence in my life in a full context today.
I realize that the way I wrote this has the possibility of being misunderstand. I don't care. This is a window into the truth of my experience being a mother. Motherhood is viewed as sacred. You don't say that you didn't enjoy everything about being a mother. YOU DON'T. I CAN. I can and I WILL. And that doesn't take away from my connection with my children. It doesn't take away from the love I feel for them. I'm reminded that before I was a mother, I was STILL a person. I was someone who had thoughts, feelings, insecurities, doubts, aspirations, failures, achievements, etc. Being a mother doesn't remove any of that. For me, it magnified it all. I don't whisper quietly that there were parts of motherhood that I absolutely hated. I don't keep it a secret. I've learned that secrets and sickness are roommates. I've learned that we are only as heavy as the secrets we hold on to. When it's appropriate FOR ME to do so, I let go of my secrets. I think I might only have two or three left. This one though, I started letting go of a long time ago. Welcome to the light.
I had my second child right before my 21st birthday. I had to teach him the same things AND I had to figure out how to get him to pee standing up. Again, 21 years of experience as a human being seemed like enough at the time. I wouldn't advise anyone to do it today.
I had my third child when I was 27. I hadn't begun to make sense of my life in what felt like a meaningful way. I was still reeling from choices I made when I was 18 and 21. I was busy doing things that helped to numb the pain. It kept gnawing at me. It wouldn't go away. And here I was with 3 children looking to me to be a responsible adult and do responsible things and nurture them and guide them and love them and be mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy for them. I'm not even going to mention financial responsibility yet.
So yeah, there I was, a piece of who I was supposed to be struggling through my past to get to my present to give me some hope for the future. I hated that my children had to see me go through this. I hated that I wasn't together more before I chose to bring them here. I hated that I couldn't pick better partners at the time. I was too busy trying to subconsciously fix shit that I didn't realize I didn't break to see what was actually going on.
I hated having to decide which truth to tell at what point in time. I hated being acutely aware of not knowing what the hell I was doing. I hated knowing that I didn't have as much to offer them. I hated that there were things that I wouldn't ever be able to fix. I hated feeling helpless because I couldn't walk their journey for them. I hated bringing my past and my limitations into their experiences. I hated being a poor example of who to be. I hated being so exposed. I hated that my moves were being clocked.
I can admit today that before, I resented not being able to walk away. In hindsight, I am grateful that I never exercised the option. But at the time, I experienced a jealousy for not being able to leave. People leave their kids all the time. My kids helped to save my life though. I didn't learn that fully until about 5 years ago. So I feel rightfully selfish to be able to say that I need them as much as they need me. So while there a things that I clearly hated about being a mother, I am fortunate because I can see their presence in my life in a full context today.
I realize that the way I wrote this has the possibility of being misunderstand. I don't care. This is a window into the truth of my experience being a mother. Motherhood is viewed as sacred. You don't say that you didn't enjoy everything about being a mother. YOU DON'T. I CAN. I can and I WILL. And that doesn't take away from my connection with my children. It doesn't take away from the love I feel for them. I'm reminded that before I was a mother, I was STILL a person. I was someone who had thoughts, feelings, insecurities, doubts, aspirations, failures, achievements, etc. Being a mother doesn't remove any of that. For me, it magnified it all. I don't whisper quietly that there were parts of motherhood that I absolutely hated. I don't keep it a secret. I've learned that secrets and sickness are roommates. I've learned that we are only as heavy as the secrets we hold on to. When it's appropriate FOR ME to do so, I let go of my secrets. I think I might only have two or three left. This one though, I started letting go of a long time ago. Welcome to the light.
being a mother of five myself, I can understand all those frustrating times when you wished you could walk away.. I never knew what temper felt like until I had kids... gosh they pushed to the nth degree, but somehow we got through it all and now all these years later we are in loving and close relationships with all my kids and their kids,... I would never have said I'd hated being a mother, but I did get pretty upset at times at being taken for granted, and having the deal with their problems when I had so many of my own to deal with too.... but hey, thats life and I am out the other side.. it took 36 years before I managed a christmas without kids ha ha... keep on smiling, and I will be back to see what the latest news is... all the best from over the pond.. J
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