When I look in the mirror, I SEE ME

I had a conversation with a guy today about insecurity. Like everybody else, I've struggled with feelings of insecurity. I feel like I've made huge strides in my attempts to reconcile that part of my personality. I have a certain person to thank for pushing me into a place where I could no longer run and hide from those feelings. For the majority of my life until a few years ago, I suffered from deep rooted feelings of inadequacy. There was always someone prettier. There was always someone smarter. There was always someone who could do what I did and make it look easier. There was always someone who was who I wanted to be. And growing up, it seemed like every person I knew had a least ONE thing about them that caused me to question my inherent right to exist and be happy about who I was and the fact that I was here.

My very first long term relationship put every insecurity I had in my face. I wanted to run. I wanted to shut down. I wanted to ignore it. I just wanted them to go away. I did NOT want to deal with those feelings at all. In retrospect, I'm glad I did not run. Insecurity is a dark place. Without sounding like a cliche, the answer to darkness is light. One of the most difficult (but rewarding) tasks I had to accomplish was turning on the light and dealing with what was in the darkness.

For me, insecurity comes from a couple of things. The first thing is not understanding that I have a right to exist and be. That right simply comes from the fact that I'm here. The creator (God, Allah, Universal force, Jesus, and/or whomever else you pray to or rely on for peace) does not allow anything to exist that is not supposed to. And for me, the fact that I'm here has come to mean a lot to me. I get to "be".  I don't need to do anything. I don't need to be anything. What I do with my existence is on me.

Insecurity, I believe, also comes from comparing. I've learned to be my own cheerleader. When I'm feeling down about me, I've learned to pump myself up by remembering that I'm the only version of me that gets to exist. THE ONLY ONE. There will NEVER be another me. No one else in the history of mankind will have the DNA, birthday, physical attributes, experiences, etc. that I will have so I need to rep me to the fullest. And I take that and I run with it. I understand that when there is only ONE, it's unnecessary to compare. No one brings what I bring to the table...not the way I do it. I can admire another for their qualities. But I do that with the understanding that there are SOME qualities that I may never have. There are some physical characteristics that I will never have barring surgery. There are some mental attributes that I will not have without doing some work. *shrugs*

When I look at my life and the people who are in it, I understand that I can do one of a two things.

  1. I can do what it takes to acquire (secure, obtain, etc.) those things that I admire about other people. 
  2. I can NOT.
But what I won't do is feel bad about who I am regardless of which way I choose to go. I refuse to feel bad about something for any longer than I reasonably have to. And because I've worked to make peace with the notion of insecurity, I've noticed that I don't have to deal with it as frequently as I used to. I know who I am. I know what I am....in relation to other people and myself. And when I find myself questioning my worth, I think back to what I've learned. Regardless of whether I'm dealing with a female who is more physically attractive, a person who is more intelligent, or an individual who has a talent I don't, I always come back to the notion that I am who I am. I have the option to do what's necessary to make myself appear more attractive, I can always learn more and be smarter, or learn a new talent. I refuse to be a victim of insecurity today. Someone with "more" than me is an inspiration to me....not a threat. That is a very hard lesson to learn but one I will never ever forget. And while I still believe that there will always be someone prettier, always be someone smarter, and always be someone who can do what I do and make it look easier, those someones do not take away from who I am as a person. I'm still me. I'm still my version of GREAT. 

Comments

  1. Dunori4/17/2011 04:09:00 PM

    "Someone with "more" than me is an inspiration to me....not a threat."
    Very very well put. You really are great; all one may need to do to concur is to read this.

    ReplyDelete

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