The Evolution of Perspective

October has been one hell of a month for me. It's been extra rough for me and a lot of people around me. It's been busy and I've been managing to make it to the end of each week. I haven't made it unscathed every week. Between the negative energy, anger, deaths, Mercury Retrograde, frustration, and just plain chaoticness of it all, I am noticing that I'm paying more attention to the calendar and waiting eagerly and anxiously for October to be over. I have, however, learned that you probably shouldn't try to rush time because there's no guarantee that there is something better waiting around the corner for you. So I'm peeking at the calendar. I'm barely making it through my days though yall. I looked back at the calendar. It's Fall. It's the time of the year that my system goes haywire trying to get adjusted to the change in season. She said,  " the change in sunlight effects me too and it made it easier to infiltrate." A few...

Ok, so I'm having a conversation with someone and he's telling me about this guy he knows. The guy is super petty and doesn't follow man code. He goes on to say how the guy acts like "a female". *disclaimer: I know people are offended by the term "female" because they feel like it dehumanizes women. This, however, is not a battle that I side with. I've found more insulting definitions and associations of the words woman, girl, and lady. end disclaimer* What I don't understand is how AND WHEN and more importantly WHY someone "acting like", "being like", or behaving like "a girl/female/woman/lady/chick" is insulting. If a man violates man code, he's not acting according to the code. PERIOD. Not acting like a man does not automatically equate to "acting like a woman. And if it does, I need for someone to break it down for me so that I can understand the foolishness . There are gender identified behaviors ...

I'm hot tempered. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a short fuse. As I've gotten older, I've been able to pick and choose the flames that ignite my fuse a little more. But the fact still remains that I'm hot tempered and have a short fuse. Fortunately, I don't stay angry for a long time. My anger is like a stick of dynamite. It lights, builds, crackles, explodes, then it's over.  Now that I think about it, a lot of my emotions are that way. They aren't sustained over long periods of time. They come and they go. Irritation tends to linger a little longer than the rest of them. I've learned to short circuit my sadness.  It took me years (and therapy and some well invested time) to come to grips with my emotions. And when I say come to grips with them, I only mean being able to identify them. There's a part of me that still doesn't believe I should experience negative emotions. I don't know why though. Maybe it's because I be...

I realized today that the anger and frustration that have been welling up inside of me are because of 1 person in particular. This person has been wreaking havoc in my peace for a long time and I've been letting her. She's been disturbing shit. She's ME. Recent realizations in conversations with friends: I get so angry at people it's like I have no compassion or very little compassion for people and their choices I get angry at people when they die because I know most of the time it comes from poor choices I feel like people are just wasting their lives away and that makes me angry and part of the reason I get angry is that they put their "shit" on others but I have to remember when I didn't exercise MY OPTIONS I don't want to be that woman I don't want to be that person judging people because I know what I know now that is UNFAIR it took me 40 years to change The OTHER issue has been taming my savior complex....

I used to vent here. I E.Volved here. I backslid here. I vented here. I changed here. I USED TO VENT HERE. I haven't posted in forever. For some, that's not a good thing. For me, however, I realize in retrospect that I haven't had a lot to complain about. I've been busy. I've been building. I've been connecting. I have not been causing or participating in destruction. HOW FUCKIN AWESOME AM I? I make a decision to do and be better and I look up and am better than a motherfugger. I have to decide what I will do with this blog since I won't be needing it to vent regularly. I don't really have the kind of time I want to reflect on things in a way that would be an enjoyable reading experience. I gotta think of something to do with this space. And because I'm a hoarder and have issues with walking away, this thing might live forever. LOL I don't want to abandon this blog. I've watched my the evolution of my perspective in real time. We'll...

I speak to my children often about their ability to create the life that they want. We have conversations about choices and options and exercising judgement in a way that maximizes opportunities in life. I feel like the majority of us are living our lives in a way that prevents us from being present in the moment. We're reconciling the choices we made years ago. What I realized today is that I don't speak enough to myself about creating the life that I want. I've accepted my current situation, but I don't think of what my best situation looks like. I avoid complaining as much as possible, but I am not sure I concentrate my energies on creating an optimal situation for me. I believe being a living example is far more effective than giving a highly charged speech. Walking the walk is the new black. I admit that I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the things that I don't want in my life. The thing about that is that that doesn't increase ...

I had a blog in me earlier today. I was pondering my behavior again. I realize that I'm not a monster but I do have a problem managing my emotions. When I say problem managing my emotions, I mean I have not made a habit of putting a pause in between a situation and my reaction to it. I do not consistently allow time to process which reaction is appropriate to the particular situation I'm in. Let's be clear. I am used to reacting from a certain set of responses. These were my core responses to situations that I either created over and over again or experienced over and over again. One of them is fear. One of them is anger. I was so used to automatically pulling one of these two out of my bag that people changed the way they approached me and "handled" their interactions with me. People were on edge. They walked around on egg shells. They were uncomfortable. At first, I was oblivious to the reactions I caused. When I became aware of them, sometimes I didn't care...